Drain Successful and a Permanent One Installed

  With a little of patience, on December 21, at 11:30 AM, I was quickly, with hardly any wait time, I was quickly registered and admitted to my drain started. My, what a big difference it makes between a community based hospital vs a college university based hospital service difference! After preparation, radiologist nurses was able to get a drained installed and about 2 liters of fluid got drained within the time the time they explained; which was about 3 hours time. It was a pretty smooth, successful process!  I did experience a little a pitch of pain here and there since they only applied local anesthesia, but they did adjust more local pain anesthesia to the spot where they installing the drain tube.
   Overall, after this process, I felt much better after this permanent drain tube was done and left me pain free for the time being. I am satisfied with a drained installed and felt assured this was the right choice to be done so that it's a much easier tasks for hospice nurses to help me drain and access at home.
  However, after a few hours of pain free relief, my pain where they installed the drained, started to resumed and I was back to having to endure more pain around the clock, chronic pain. 
   With this rise in pain discomfort, my pain medications dosage increased. 

    

Region Medical Hospital- Lots of Waiting

    Approximately a month later after radiologists at Stanford drained about 2 liters of fluid from my stomach, I felt discomfort and more pain as my tummy felt dissented and more bloated where I couldn't eat much at all, I felt a drainage was needed.  So, after much complaints to hospice nurses that I needed a drainage to be done, they finally arranged for an appointment for me to get drained. So on December 13, the doctors at hospice arranged an appointment to go to San Jose's Regional Hospital ER to get my drained completed. 
    We arrived timely and got my vitals completed and were told to wait outside for a room for the Dr to complete the drain.  Fast forward to 3 to 4 hours of waiting (augh!), we finally saw two doctors. The 2 doctors viewed my stomach through an ultra sound and stated that the fluid build up was premature. There was too little fluid to do anything at the moment and that the risks for infections were too high to do a drain.  Disappointment overcame me and I couldn't fathom why they seemed to state that when obviously my stomach looked very big and dissented from fluid build up.  I convince them to re-evaluate again and still, after a second look, they maintained their stance that it was still way too risky and that it was safer to have a of team radiologists install a permanent drainage rather than them do a drain.  
   So, with half a day's wasted waiting around, I left with emptied participation of a drainage. 
   However, during the 3- 4 hours of waiting around, with frustration boiling, I called Stanford to speak with my nurse practitioner; I told her of my ordeal here at Regional Hospital of rejection or the undue risks doctors in ER here were unwilling to take to complete my drainage.  Thus, she offered to plan an appointment for next week to ensure that she can get one completed for me. So, call it a nice constellation, my disappointment lead me to believe that with a bit of patience, there's still hope that I can still get this drainage done in fact by a more, professional team of doctors. Hugs.
  

My Dec 8th,42th Birthday Celebration

    Usually, my birthday is celebrated quietly with my husband cooking something special for dinner like crab or seafood at home or we go to a favorite local restaurant. Like the last couple of year's, we went to eat out at Bennihana's. This year, what was extra special was we celebrated like 3 times.  At first we went to have dinner with my small group of family and friends. The second time was with my co-workers for lunch and thirdly, we celebrated it with a big party who my friend, Bao Chau helped organized and hosted.  The dinner was at a fancy steak restaurant in Los Gatos Grill, the second was a lunch get-together with my work colleagues at a nearby home local sushi restaurant and the third was at my friend's home. All three events were so enjoyable and the food were fantastic.  

  It was really nice to catch up with the group I worked with and having great conversations with friends and family closer up at both the dinner and party.  I've attached a few pictures for your viewing.

Below are pictures of me in a white jacket and with me in a blue sweater sitting next to my good friend, Ramona at my Birthday party.  Enjoy! 
    I really had a great time with everyone! Thanks to everyone for taking me out! And great, big hugs goes to out my best friend and sister, Karen as well as Bau Chau for hosting and planning my Birthday party! It was a fabulous, fun filled packed with such delicious food!!  Lots of love, Fawn.

Hospice Care

    So the day that I was supposed to get my 3rd round of Alimpta chemo infusion, even though my blood labs were good, Dr. Neal, on Friday December 2, 2016, advised, based on my health condition that my stomach pain increased, my inability to keep food down, vomiting and fatigue as well as insomnia, and me heading back into ER and being admitted into the Stanford hospital for the second time for fluid pleurodesis from my stomach, that it was time for me to be placed under hospice care. We talked about me taking taking time off to spend quality of time with my family and that it was better than having to endure side effects and pain of chemo.  He cried, the entire team one by one came in, from nurses to staff hugged me and cried.  They assured me that once and if I feel better, I can always call back and tell him that I'm feeling much better and that I was ready to get treatment again.  My brother Hon and his wife, Nary have been such a big help driving me and taking on shifts from my hubby to take over my ER/hospitalization visits and visiting every night since I've been in and out at the hospital the past month. In total I have stayed in the Stanford Hospital at first for 9 days and a week later, admitted back in the following week for complications from fluid buildup for an additional 4 days. During the 2 hospitalizations, I had my brothers and friends come by to visit almost every day to povide support and love. Thank you for coming by to visit, bringing bouquet of flowers, food and Bubba drinks. Thanks to my sister Veronica for bringing me alternative/herbal medication as well as Alvin and Tam for their endless love and support. Thanks to my mom to come to visit me at home almost on a daily basis to cook for me and praying for me. My Mom cried a lot when she found out that I'm on hospice, but keeps up prayers and hope for me to be alive as long as possible.
    So, it's been 2 weeks since I've been on hospice care and it's been nice staying at home to recuperate and getting much needed rests and recuperation from the endoscopy surgeries.  I must be honest, I can be only be grateful for the past 5 years, 10 months that I've been given to survive this stage 4 lung cancer when originally my prognosis was 2 to 6 months to live.  The past month's pain was so unbearable that I knew my body was breaking down and the my body was slowly nearing the end of life.    I am very sadden to hear this news of end of treatment and that death is pending soon. But I have accepted my inevitable upcoming death.  I have accepted that I am in the process of dying and I hope for a peaceful death.    At first, when I was admitted into the hospital, I thought it would up to only a few days and that I would be released.  However, the recovery process ended taking much more.  Initially I had planned to go back to work right before Thanksgiving to work, but it turned that was not possible with my declining to health. Hence, I had to submit my claim for a short disability leave.  So, as was told from Dr. Neal, with tears and hugs from him, he nicely also conference called my hubby, my brother Alvin and Hon over the phone, he again, repeated the news to them about me entering hospice effective immediately and that I am in declining health and treatment will end.  He said it time I consider quality of life instead of suffering more agony and chemo harsh side effects of treatment.   It's been 2 weeks since I've been on hospice care and I am in a good place to have 24/7 care where a nurse comes to check on me twice per week and comes as needed.  In addition, they have delivered a hospital bed, a table, a handy wheel chair and a walker. They've have increased my level of pain medication dosage as needed to keep me comfortable and pain free.    I hope I do get better each day since I am praying hard to keep life going for my kids, family and friends.  Life is so precious and I hope to be alive for a long while longer.  Please pray for me and keep me and my family in your thoughts.  I love you all for following my blog and your support.Lots of hugs, Fawn.  

It's been 2 and a half year since I last posted

Hello, again, I know it's been such a long since my last update. I'll try to catch everyone up.  Fast forward to almost 2.5 years forward, since then, due to a T2 spine progression where I had some tumors grew while I was on the LDK or Zykadia trial, after  a cycle or 2 of Cyber-knife targeted radiation, Dr. Neal switched me to the new FDA drug in pill form called Alecensa (alectinib) that was approved on Dec 11, 2015.
When taken after a meal, it was supposed to be less intestinal pain and cramping.  I've read how others on Inspire.com who were patients responded and they all pretty much liked it better than LDK.  As soon as I received in the mail, I took it and it was easier on my stomach to take. I tolerated it pretty well, although I'd still get get some stomach issues, it wasn't too bad.  
However, results show that in 2 months, after a CT & MRI scan, there was a slight progression in my left lung showing some fluid and some tumors starting to flare up in my stomach lining as well as some small tiny tumors on my brain. Dr. Neal then suggested I my treatment switched me back to Zykdadia (or LDK) since under that pill, I was relatively stable with active growth all 2.5 years!

  But, going back to this Zykadia treatment this time in Oct-Nov 2016, my pain at night started to fire up where I could barely sleep at all. The pain grew each night and my Dr soon prescribed 2 Norcals and Oxycodine for pain. And since I couldn't sleep, a sleep pill as added and 2 types of anti nausea called Zofran and Compazine and  3-4 types of constipation were added (Senna, Collace, Miraleax, and some other liquid medicine including suppository and enema). 
After trying LDK, scans show it was not effective, so Dr. Neal switched me back to Chemotherapy to just Alimpta. 
I had two 2 cycles of Alimpta once a week and ever other week off. Well, within 2 weeks, after it, my hair all started to fall off and pain also grew to be intolerable.  By the third round, some lab results indicate high levels of liver enzymes and bilirubin; which indicated some infection.  So, we were told to rush to Redwood City to get a an ultrasound of my stomach.
  As soon as we were done, on our way home, we received an urgent call to rush to the Stanford ER Department to get myself admitted into the main hospital for further tests and ended up getting admitted in the hospital for 9 days. They determined that I had a an opening in my gall ball bladder as well as some infection in my pancreas. So, a metal plate was installed to close up the opening on my gall bladder and a temporary easy to flush stent was put placed in on left stomach.  
    After wards, complications arose where I lost a lot of blood during the endoscopy that they needed to to do two fluids of blood transfusion to keep me stable.  From there on, I was kept for a few days to monitor how I was doing. It was determined that my stomach lining as well as the lining of my brain tumors (Leptomeningeal enhancement along the inferior frontal lobes) had grew.  This means very bad, devastating news. It means, that my treatment isn't working and I am out of treatment options. I knew it was coming since my pain in my stomach grew more and more unbearable and Dr. Neal had to increase the pain medication to a higher dose.
    With my health declining since chemo doesn't seem to help, and me feeling weak, having intense pain and tumors slowly growing, I am starting to feel, the end is quickly coming. However, I still has a sense of hope to keep fighting and praying for a miracle. So, please keep me in your thoughts too and wish me well.  Hugs.

Update - Happy Spring

Hello family, friends and followers!  Happy Spring 2014.  It's been a minute or awhile since my last post. Sorry about that, as I have been busy and getting busier with life, work, kids, projects and activities. So much has happened since then. Since the last Halloween update, the kids did go trick or treating, we had a fabulous November 2013 Thanksgiving with friends and a great Christmas. We took the kids to play in the snow at South Lake Tahoe for the first time ever and they loved it!  Then we celebrated with friends with lots of food at Christmas in Sacramento.

We've celebrated Emma's 4th Birthday in October 2013 and Ellen's 6th Birthday in March 2014 with family and friends. They both are getting so much smarter and growing up so fast!

Health update
  Since the last update, I am still on the LDK378 (now officially called (Ceritinib) clinical trial at Stanford. I get routine brain MRIs and chest CT scans every 2 months. The most recent was on March 21, 2014. Results from my scans and MRIs since starting the trial has been stable, some even shrinkage on the tiny tumors that were in my brain. I was a bit worried about it since I felt minor rolling aches in my head. But I am so glad for the good news from the scans.  I still do take 3 pills at 150 mg each everyday (a total of 450 milligrams).

LDK378 ( Ceritinib) Daily Medicine Routine
  With some kind advice from a fellow LDK378 (Ceritinib) follower who also has Lung cancer, I have intermittent, mild stomach cramps that bother me about 3-4 times per week. Thanks to his advice where I fast for 2 hours before I take the 3 LDK378 pills and 2-3 hours after I eat, I have managed to not feel the painful, miserable stomach cramps that I struggled with before. I do get the cramps here and there every few days but it is mild and bearable. So my routine is that I eat a hardy warm breakfast, drive myself to work, be in the office by 9 AM, take 1 mg of Imodium at 12 noon (to prevent diarrhea) , eat lunch at about 12 to 12:30 noonish, at 2 PM, I take the Zofran (Ondansetron) which are premeds to prevent nausea and vomiting. Then finally, at about 3 PM, I take the 3 LDK378 pills with plenty of water and candy after (to wash out the taste of the medicine).  I tried taking it earlier like at 10 AM, but it didn't work out at all since I couldn't really eat lunch and then experience painful vomiting and stomach cramps at 1 PM and had to leave work to go home, I take it at 3 PM.  This is the perfect working routine as by the time I get home to eat dinner at 6 PM, that gives me the perfect 3 hours (after eating lunch) before taking the pills and 3 hours after eating lunch window to help prevent the cramps from happening.  I am so grateful for his advice so thank you Chris for your help!

Speedy FDA approval moving along
As mentioned in lots of news, this LDK378 (Ceritinib), has been in the works to get speedy FDA approval. Google it and you will find out the latest articles and results. One article dated March 27, 2014 at Novartis has taken another step forward in its quest to win a fast approval for its lung cancer drug LDK378. 
Read more at: Novartis fuels drive for fast OK of LDK378 with new lung cancer data - FierceBiotech http://www.fiercebiotech.com/story/novartis-fuels-drive-fast-ok-ldk378-new-lung-cancer-data/2014-03-27#ixzz2yG1yiqnM .

Sadly, I've learned of some fellow bloggers who have lung cancer also died. My prayers and hearts go out to their family and loved ones. It's a sad reality that lung cancer stableness can quickly and life as you know it, is over. I just hope my stableness will be here to stay for a long time as I need to be here for my young kids.

3 year Cancer-anniversary
So since my February 2011 lung cancer diagnosis, I have been made it to 3 years. Thank goodness for the targeted therapy and for for a great team of doctors at Stanford!  Here's hoping for many more years of living with and surviving lung cancer.  

Thank you family, friends and followers for your support! And don't forget, any financial donations and contributions will be greatly appreciated as my medical bills, deductibles, co-pays and prescription drugs are piling up year over year.  It's expensive having cancer! I hope one day there will be cure for all cancers. Prayers for continued good news and stability. Lots of Love.

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween everyone! The kids, me, my hubby, dogs and other pets are doing well. We've been as usual, super busy.  We're all looking forward to celebrating Halloween in a fun filled day with a parade, costume contest and pumpkin carving contest.  The kids costumes are set, even I am dressing up to work as a Mermaid.  Ethan's costume is Batman, the girls, well, most likely princesses or fairies as they have lots to choose from.
I have lots of shared, but it's like 1 AM and it's been a long day full of activities. I woke up and worked til 2 PM, picked my girls from school at noon, went to the Dr. went to a run last minute costume shopping, took the kids to Kumon, ran some errands to get Halloween "goody item, non candy" treats for the kids classrooms to pass out, had dinner, worked like mad to finish up a 50 page baby album in 2 days, did some work emails, unloaded pictures from my memory card, organized it nicely and now finishing up this quick blog.

It's been busy, busy as always and it's a good busy.  I'm loving it but exhausted. All in all, my last CT and MRI showed stability.  I'm still on the LDK trial and taking the 3 pills per day. My hair is slowly growing back.
Our weekends are crazy busy, with the kid's Kumon, soccer and singing. It's all going great and I am enjoying spending time with the kids, friends and family.  Work has been great as well.
Hope everyone's enjoying the Fall season.  Lots of Love.

Update, Kids back to school

Hello friends, family, followers and supporters. I know it's been awhile since I've updated this, but I've been busy living and enjoying my summer with the kids. I can't believe the summer's almost over and the kids are back in school.
Since the last update, I took 3 weeks off from work. The break was much needed and I, the kids and my hubby loved it! We took the kids camping at a nearby beautiful state beach and to day trips to local museums and to Monterey Aquarium. I was suppose to spend the last week to work on much needed personal finance and updates on my estate planning and will. But, the 3 weeks hanging with the kids flew by and I didn't get to it. I know, I need to take time to update it soon.  I loved, loved the break from work as right before my vacation break, work and its work drama and politics were a bit challenging.

But, since the end of Aug, I've been back to work now for about 2 weeks now and have so much work and projects to complete! On top of work, the kids and their activities keep us really busy. They're back in the swing of busy activities like regular school, swimming, soccer, Kumon and now, singing too as Ethan just past his audition to make it into the popular school of Crystal Choir.
Between working full time, and running home to take Ethan and or Ellen to soccer practice, and then in the weekends, Kumon and soccer games (yes, Ellen is even in soccer since she loves it, she's in an all girls team), managing household projects, gardening, errands and of course shopping for a new Fridge (our old frdge broke on us for 3 months - after trying to fix it the whole time), it's been busy. But, I love being busy with life, kids, work and all.

Health update
About a month ago, I had CT and brain MRI. And the results show things are stable. I'm still on the LDK trial, taking 3 pills of 150 mg each. I've learned to manage the side effects a little better, but still get painful, uncomfortable stomach cramps almost everyday or every other day.  But, after an hour of rest or so, the cramps do go away. So, to avoid enduring debilitating, paralyzing stomach cramps during the work day, I take the LDK later, like after lunch around 1 PM so that when the cramps, begin to hit around 7:30 or 8:30 PM, I can rest.  Hence, that's why I don't update this blog as often - it's due to the cramping from the LDK pills.

Thank you to those who wrote to me to see how I am doing. I love the hear from my readers and supporters.  I'm so lucky to have your love and prayers!  We're so humbled and full of gratitude to your kind, warm thoughts and especially to 1-2 individuals who even donated towards my medical fund.

I try to update more often. More to share soon. Lots of Love!!

Lower Dosage

This week, with permission from my Dr., I was on a "break" from taking the LDK378. I've been off it for 4 full days and it feels normal and great!  
Last week, after taking the 5 (150 mg ) pills straight for 5 days, where I basically either vomited almost everyday, and had GI issues everyday with cramps, bloating and diarrhea every single day, I called in, asking for lower dosage. And of course, my generous Dr. N, agreed to lower it to 4 pills per day.  But, still the 4 pills didn't make a difference, and my side effects bothered me so much that my whole body ached and I could barely hold any food down, and food no longer tasted good. In fact, I vomited so much that I had no appetite to eat. 
So, I called into my Dr.'s office and that's when the team suggested I give my body a break and restart at a lower dosage of 3 pills per day. They said to restart anytime when I am ready.

As much I love the "break" from LDK378, I've decided to resume the LDK again tomorrow, starting with 3 pills.  The break was really to let my body, immune system and GI, to recover and heal from all the vomiting and diarrhea. I'm feeling stronger and enjoy eating again. 

I've done research and this time, I plan on being prepared by taking all my premeds, and timing it. My plan is to eat a SOLID breakfast, take my Zofran, than in 20 minutes take the 3 LDK378 pills. Then, in half hour before noon, I will take an Immodium pill to prevent the stomach cramps, bloated, aches and diarrhea before eating lunch. And if by 4, if I still nauseous,  then I will the anti vomitting pill Zofran again. I've learned that my cramping and diarrhea starts to hit at about 4:30 and doesn't end til around 8PM, daily. 

I am hoping this "preventive" schedule and plan works. I think I was miserable and suffered needlessly because I was not prepared with all the preventive side effects management pills in the last 2 weeks. Hopefully, I wouldn't need to take a second dosage of the anti naseua meds called Compazine at 4 PM which I have on hand.  Mostly likely, I wouldn't take this Compazine drug since I've read some horrible, horrible side effects of this Compazine drug. Many people who were given it said "This drug made me feel like I wanted to jump out of my skin. I had no idea the drug was causing it. Had to be given a sedative. Horrible drug!! I'd rather vomit." and another said "Worse medicine I have ever received through the IV in an ER facility. Almost lost my mind on this one. Had to receive 2 shots of Benadryl just to settle down enough to sleep through the affects. It's already the following day and my eyes are still blood shot red and I find it very difficult to sit still. Best advice: stay clear away from this one.

I hope adding the Imodium at noon before lunch will help prevent the GI issues. Will find out tomorrow. Hoping it's as simple as that and it does the trick. I need this drug and I need to do what I can to continue to take it.  It's my "miracle" pill.  My life, my hopes and dreams of stability and possibly even shrinkage is all dependent on this trial drug LDK378. Praying for a miracle! Dreaming big. 

Other than trying to manage the sides effects of this trial drug LDK378, and feeling miserable with the side effects, I'm keeping busy as usual with working, interacting with the kids and trying to slow down, and enjoy the nice, summer weather with my family, friends and my dogs and cat. I'm having a fantastic time in the weekends, relaxing and doing arts and crafts with kids and slowing down. I was going to sign the kids with loads of activities like swimming and art and dance classes, but because I just want to relax and hang out with the kids at home, I didn't. 

In the weekends, after the kids Kumon, it's lovely to feel free throughout the day and weekend to do anything we feel like doing. It's super nice and we're loving it! We're loving being at home hanging out and spending time as a family. 

Of course, we still try to have play dates and do local museum and park play date trips,and it's great not having to constantly run from one committed class session to another. It's all fun and family time now and I wouldn't want it any other way. Lots of Love.

Clinical Trial Phase 2 LDK378, Day 1 Day 2

LDK 378 Day 1
Yesterday was a almost a full day spent at Stanford Cancer center where I had to get up way early for a CT scan, fasting, blood draws (twice), and EKGs (twice), as this was the protocol, requirements , guidelines and process of my first day of the Phase II, Clinical trial of LDK378. This trial just started the end of May and to begin the application process, I had to stop taking Xalkori for about 3-4 weeks ago. It was a LONG day at Stanford and my day started out at 7AM, driving on an empty stomach.
Afterwards by 2PM, after having swallowed 5 giant pills of 150 mg each (for a combined 750 mg strength) in front of the nurse, I was finally done. But feeling sleepy, hungry, exhausted, I really wanted to head home for a nice nap, but, nope, I had to head into work.
Normally my Stanford appointments are on Wednesdays, but due to the CT scan requirement, for this and the next appointment, it was moved to Fridays.
Getting accepted into this clinical trial took 3 weeks of hard work of labs, MRIs, bone scan, and of course a weaning of Xalkori and a lot of  paperwork. If you Google LDK378, there's been lots of great news on how great this new second generation of ALK pill is. The results turned out so well in its initial Phase 1 trial, that its "Data show 60% overall response rate in 78 patients with ALK+ NSCLC taking LDK378 at 750 mg; will serve as basis for first filing in early 2014 http://www.novartis.com/newsroom/media-releases/en/2013/1706664.shtml.
I hope get the excellant results that others have received. Praying hard and dreaming big!

My reaction to LDK378
So in my day 1 of this LDK trial yesterday, after swallowing all 5 150 mg of LDK378, which required lots of water drinking and forcing it down my throat as the pills are like horse pills, pretty big to gulp down, I felt fine initially.  But I knew, eventually, my body would vomit it up. And by 5 PM, barely making it onto my driveway, I had to run to the bathroom and violently, vomit. I knew, for sure, my stomach would not tolerate this 750 mg, or 5 pills down easily. and that was that. Back to the feeling miserable of vomiting episode again.

Day 2 LDK378 
The directions were that I was supposed to take all 5 pills each morning before eating at the same time everyday.  But, wait, an empty stomach first thing the morning? That would guarantee a repeat vomit episode again for sure. So, I cheated and gulped it down after eating a little breakfast of bagel instead. But, within 2 hours, my stomach would not take it and again, vomit happened again.
I will have to discuss these vomitting episodes to my Dr Monday. Until then, it's a bummer, the 750 mg or 5 pills each morning, isn't working for me. And I was really, really hoping, my body would take it.

What now? I suspect, my Dr. will allow me to lower the dosage or split up my pills throughout the day. Like, take 2 in the morning, 1 in the afternoon and 2 at night.  That would still be equal to 750 mg daily.  On top of that, did you know that I have my "regular", routine of 4 other types of pills I also take daily too? Yup. I  do. So, if you want to know how many pills I am popping each day, with thie LDK378 of 5 pills per day, I pop a total of 9 pills daily! OMG, that's a lot of me and if anyone knows me, knows that I don't like to take pills. Those other pills are: 1 Baraclude (for health liver enzymes against Hep), daily multi vitamins, vitamin C & D, and lastly, my low dosage of birth control pill (as required per the clinical trial).
I hope my Dr will allow me to split up my LDK378 throughout the day or lower my dosage. Will update you next week. Lots of Love.

Update

Hello friends, followers, and family.  Sorry for the long break from blogging. Truth is, we've been super living life and once the Ethan and Ellen started their Little League Baseball season, along with their other activities (besides school and homework) like soccer, swimming, piano (at one point), Kumon and the girls weekly ballet dance classes, between their activities, working full time, weekly doctor visits and or scans/MRIs, Bone scan, acupuncturist appointments, baseball games, kids practices, recitals, performance, walking the dogs, play dates,  and everything else, there was no time for blogging.
Other than the 1.5 week where I got so sick from eating the Costco recalled organic berries (I made smoothies with them), where I had to go get a "just in case Hep A shot" from my PCP (Primary Care Physician), I've been doing well. But, for the 1.5 week of this episode though, I was miserable with daily vomiting that I felt so horrible, my stomach and nausea so bad, I barely made it the day through with enough strength to make it into work. I felt so weak, I almost fainted. It was a horrible, bad case of food poisoning and thank goodness, it's over and I've fully recovered.

But, without further ado, without a moment's free, after the kids last baseball game and dance performance, I was off being busied spending time with the kids on  a quick Beach family weekend trip, and also a camping trip, as well as planning and quickly having to sign up the kids summer camps and activities. Now that the kids activities have slowed now, I have just a little free time to blog.
So from the last blog, I had posted about my dream trip to Vietnam. Thank you to the few individuals that donated and contributed. Your continued support warms my heart and I am ever grateful. But, with very little funds raised, I can't go. I am not such a good marketer or fundraiser as you can see. I wonder how others do it? Marketing and fundraising definitely takes talent and lots of effort and time and of course, knowing powerful, lots of people/friends with money helps. But, in my case, I lack all of the above and can't even raise any money for my own medical and dream trip. I think the total donations were I received was like $150? Yup. That's it. Now, do you think I can go to Vietnam on $150??? Probable not. And I actually, tried looking and applying for one of those "Make a Wish Foundation" for adults like me, but there is none for California residents. So, of course I also don't qualify to apply for the Dream Foundation since I work and don't financially qualify.

So Vietnam is a no go. Simply, we can't afford it. And also, summer's way too humid and miserably hot, that it's not an ideal time to go. So, my plan B is, well, take 3 weeks of in Aug and hang with with the kids and also finish up taking care of "personal, business affairs and paperwork".  Traveling is hard, and probably not a reality too soon since finance is an issue, and as long as I am spending time with my family, really, that is all that matters.Any place with the kids, whether its the local museum or nearby beach, that's happiness to me and the kids.

Health update
From the latest scans as of yesterday, everything shows stability. Except that last week's latest brain MRI, shows 1 suspicious spot grew from 8 mm to 10 mm. The doctors wasn't sure it was due to "swelling" and that the spot would "die off" due to my recent 2.5 month ago whole brain radiation. But, in light of this uncertainty, my Dr., recommended that I switch to a new drug and begin the process of applying for the latest phase II clinical trail of the second generation of drug of Crizotinib, or LDK378 at Stanford. The trial just opened up on May 28, and I would be participant #3. I just started taking this new drug yesterday. More details in the next blog. Lots of Love.

Please Support My "Bucket list DREAM

Time off, My "Bucket" list dream goal
By coincidence, as I way laying there on my last WBR treatment, happy that it was over, I had a serendipity moment. Like lightning speed, and by chance, somehow, my inner voice told me, to think about taking time off work soon or to look into taking FMLA leave for the summer, ( 12 weeks of FMLA leave so that I can spend time with the kids and family to travel to back to my native country, Vietnam). It would be perfect as the kids would be off school, and with my hubby currently unemployed, it would be the perfect time to travel. Even more so, if I were to take 12 weeks of FMLA, my job would be job protected and I would be allowed to resume my current job as an analyst. My benefits and especially, my medical benefits and every other benefits will be in tact.

Excited, happy and anxious, I quickly thought of ideas and texted and sent a email to a few close friends of my desire, plan and goal. Smiles full of glee, I thought to myself, this would be the perfect opportunity for me to complete, if you will, my "bucket" list dream of visiting and traveling back to see my birth country, Vietnam.

Before my lifetime, ultimately, that would be my goal. To see family, aunts, uncles, cousins, sightseeing, and being back to my native country to soak in all its culture and beauty, that would be my dream. This is a big goal I know and if before I can even think it would be possible, I marched quickly to thinking that I will need to humbly ask everyone, and I mean everyone, for help.

Help fund me please
So please, join me in contributing any ideas, suggestion and or donation in support of  me in organizing and ramping up a fundrasing effort so that I can accomplish my dream and goal.

And so, friends, family, followers, please join me in and donating, in support to fund my life, "bucket" goal if you will. Click on the donate button, please if you can.
More planning on my part to do, like passports, budgets, and details to research and look into to see if this is even possible.
Please feel free to email if you have have suggestions or can help with any fundraising effort. I welcome all your support and ideas.  Lots of Love.

Family, friends, food, fun, sun! Hobbies

Like most weekends, this past weekend was no different. With just two days off, my weekends with the kids are so precious. As so, the entire weekend was spent loaded with so much fun with lots of activities. From Sat throughout Sunday, all day, we spent every minute of every second, together as a family and with friends, laughing, playing and socializing with the familiar faces of my kids baseball team, team parents, dance class, good personal friends and family.

Time with my other BFFs - Kim and Liz
With Little league, Kumon and ballet classes, our Saturdays are always full of activities, keeping me busy all day. But, no matter how busy I get, I always take time out to also meet up and squeeze in much needed time with friends. And so, after a full day of activities, after the kids' games and Kumon, this past Saturday, I was so delighted and so happy to also see my two other BFFs (Best friends forever), Kim and Liz. These two friends, are the best, most loving, supportive and kindest people.  I'm so fortunate to have friends like them.  I love them both so much for their gentle souls, warm heart and no matter what, through thick and thin, have always supported me through all the ups, downs and challenges I have face daily

Both Kim and Liz, when they heard about my WBR treatment, called,, text, IM and reached out to see how I was doing  right away. Kim brought over a beautiful display bouquet of daffodils, packed a yummy lunch, salad, fruits, and Liz brought burrito rolls, drinks, snacks and juices for the kids. Kim even packed dessert. We enjoyed great food. We hugged. We talked, laughed and caught up on lives and shared our stories of travels and personal challenges. It was so lovely.

Thank you endless Kim and Liz for your love, support and friendship. Thank you for always being there for me, hubby and the kids. Thank you for all the toys to the kids for the during the Christmas and their Birthdays. We appreciate your kind hearts and love.

Soon enough by 5 or so, our quick late lunch was over and we said our good byes and hugs. They each had long drives back home. Thank goodness for friends like Kim and Liz. Thank goodness for that 1.5 hour break where I was gifted with that time to myself to see and hang out with my "adult" friends.

Dance Class
By then, as soon as they left, I had to switch gears to be a busy mom again, by getting the girls get ready in their dance leotards, dance clothes and shoes. It was dance lessons time. With their big dance recital coming on June 2, they've only got 7 more weeks ( or lessons ) left for that big day performance. Families, friends, you are welcome to come join us for that big day so Save that date if you can come.

As we got there, as always, packed on hand with me, ready with my own camera and camcorder, I  qickly snapped up and sneak quick flicks of them practicing through the not so clear, plastic tiny window (their had strict policies to not allow parents inside the class as it would cause a disturbance and distraction for the students). And then, I sat back to join in the rest of the mothers awaiting in the waiting room with motherly discussions and conversations on raising kids.
Yes, recently, I've always, besides having my iphone with me, in the weekends, am readily geared with my own Nikon camera and Sony handy camcorder to record and snap all the happiness that surrounds me. Like most moms, I don't want to miss out a thing, capturing every candid moment to document for memories keepsake.

Hobbies
Other than my relentless love for kids and hubby, in my "free" time, I have so many hobbies of my own that I love to do. Besides, my love of writing and spending quality time with my kids, family and friends, I love to read, read and read. I love photography, videography (editing it, adding music to it), gardening (we planted lots of vegetables over Spring Break), watching good movies, sight seeing and exploring the beauty of nature, animals), editing and organizing photography pictures into albums (which I have yet to do), cooking, traveling and finally, dining out and eating good food.

Furthermore, I also love taking long walks with my two dogs, playing with my outdoor cat and listening to many favorite Podcasts on itunes (like NPR, this American Life, the Moth, 60 Minutes, NPR) and audio books and reading bedtime stories to my kids.
Yes, I have so many loves and hobbies. Oh, how I wish I can have all the time in the world to enjoy and do all of these wonderful things. But, with working all day, and kids, having limited "free" time is so hard.  Awh, the agony of work and the business of motherhood and parenthood.  Free time is a rarity and scarce. Oh how I fancy to have "free" time to do all my loves and hobbies.  Impossible. Sigh, so little time left. So quickly how time flies in a day.  And sadly, there's so little time left in my lifetime. Lots of Love.

Busy day, My Friend Lynn

It's 11 PM and finally, a moment of peace and quiet time to myself. Tired, exhausted and in desperate need of sleep and rest, I'm ready for bed as soon as I finish this entry. I write to release the thoughts, emotions, stress, worries and to express the million of thoughts that constantly crowd my mind. I love to write. Writing is my coping mechanism. Through journaling down my thoughts and articulating my worries, feelings and anxieties, I release all the bottled down fears, stresses and challenges that come my way everyday. And right now, there are so many stresses and challenges besides my cancer and treatment and kids that are very worrisome and concerning to me. More to share in another post.

Today as usual, has been busy as usual; packed with so much responsibilities, appointments, obligations and parental responsibilities. Isn't there an "easy, relaxing" day coming my way soon?  Really, I am so due for a rest and relaxation day from everything! Wouldn't that be a dream to have a day where I can just have a day off just to catch my breath. But, with my luck, I guess not. Right now, there's an overwhelming amount of  "bad luck" and challenges happening my way through no fault of mine.

Instantly, as 7 AM hit, I woke up busy. Luckily, with my hubby's help with the getting the kids ready for school, feeding them breakfast, I had a free moment to eat breakfast and logged onto work. But not soon, not a second free, I was off to taking the girls and Ethan to school, talking to their teachers to see how each are doing, giving them good bye hugs, taking some photos of them on my iphone, then went straight back to work from home to be on a conference, deep dive call and worked until noon.

Meet my Friend, Lynn
Right after that, I drove to meet up with my good friend, Lynn for lunch. It was such a joy to meet with her to catch up with how she is doing. Like me, in her late 30s, sadly, she too has the same exact, dire, non small cell lung cancer, stage 4, with metastasis throughout.  Like me, she never smoked and lived healthy.  And like me, she is Asian and has a young son. And like me, we have fears that soon someday, we will be running out of treatment options or that our treatments will stop being effective.
We laughed. We cried. We hugged and shared out experiences, treatments and supported one another. We talked about how no one really understands the harsh experiences of chemo, radiation, Cyberknife and radiation treatment until you really go through it. We talked about loosing hope in this hopeless and senseless disease and our worries, fears of leaving behind our young children, motherless. We talked about our acceptance of our untimely fate.
Throughout our 2 hour lunch date, ultimately we both shared and agreed on one thing that is the biggest worry out of all our worries. Besides our fears of running out of treatment options, by far, our greatest of concern is our kids. Not being able be there to raise and be there for our kids into adulthood lays heavy on our hearts. It's a heavy burden that we, as mothers, will be robbed of being there for our kids, as all kids deserve their mother's wisdom, support, love and guidance. It's heartbreaking and a big burden on our hearts.
Soon enough, our lunch date was winding down.  But, we promise to keep supporting one another and meeting up more frequently to support one another.

Hairstylist
Already so late since my lunch date with Lynn ran over, I was off to see my personal hair stylist to help me style my new "wigs". I was so glad to have found him as he does hair weaves, hair clip on and extensions (for the down the road 3 - 6 month future hair wig needs as well).  He was so kind and luckily, his store was right in my neighborhood. We first started out heading out to a local "wig" store so that I pick out another all natural, human hair wig so that I can have another style.
But, to my discontent, we didn't find anything that I like. So then, we drove back to the salon so that he can wash my bald head and what little hair left I had, wash my two wigs, style, and cut both of them to my liking and to my face/structure.  Except, since only one of my wigs was made out of 100% human hair, he was only able to quickly wash, brush and style the other black synthetic hair. Since the black hair was made out of "plastic", no blow drying and hot flat iron could be used on it or else it would melt.
By 7 PM, he was done and I  walked out so pretty darn looking, no one would be able to tell it's not my own natural hair. Amazing. What talent he has. So thankful for his service.

Doctor Appointment
I was late to my hairstylist due to a last minute appointment stop in to see my other Doctor, for my annual check up.  That appointment with Dr. V, took a lot longer than I expected. But, like the rest of my doctors, he was a joy to see and talk to. He delivered all my three babies and for that, I am ever so grateful to be in his care.
Beside my routine exam, I did ask them about some other questions and he readily answered. On top of that, by good timing, he was also able to help me fill out some other medical related forms and applications on FMLA leave. More on that soon.
Well, this post is getting way too long.  It's midnight now and I'm getting overly tired.  I'm calling it a night. Lots of Love.

15th Day and FINAL WBR session & Pictures of my new "hair" look

Last Day WBR treatment
Atlas, today was my last and final round of my 15th day of whole brain radiation treatment. This was the day I was waiting for since 3 weeks ago when I first started. Yay! I made it. At the end of my treatment, I was given a certificate of Congratulations of completion. I was so happy to be done with this. Anymore treatment, my head would be literally toasted, fried, burned and baked for sure. I'm so glad to be done. I jumped for joy and thanked the radiation nurses and team. Goodbye mask, good bye and good riddance  chlorine smell and blinding blue light!

Today's treatment went fairly smooth where I tried hard to not gag and have another repeat episode of yesterday's incident; although I almost did, but because I ate some candy before treatment, it worked . Afterwards, I met with the Doctors to go over the healing and recovery process. Dr. Gibbs gave me some care tips on how to care for my hairless, balding scalp and told me that in 2-4 weeks, the fatigue should wear off. She also mentioned that in 3 months, I will do another brain MRI to see the effectiveness of this WBR treatment. Then, after the 3 months, from then out, if everything is good, my routine brain MRI will be spread out to every 6 months. Let's hope my next brain MRI will be clean and good for the long term. I'll be praying so hard for positive results.

So, as promised, below are some pictures of me in my new "hair do". What do you think? Black or light brown with blond highlights? I told myself,  if I have to wear a wig, I might as well have fun with it.  I may pick up one more 100% human hair wig tomorrow to add to my collection so that I can easily change my style and look for variety.  Lots of Love.

Day 9 thru Day 14 WBR

Today was my day 14 of my WBR session. The session today, for some reason, it took a littlelonger due to the nurse having to align my head to the machine. Because it took 5 minutes longer than usual to set up, and perhaps I was already so exhausted from the Spring vacation, laying down instantly made me dizzy.
To make it worse, with a keen sense of smell,  with the odor of the chlorine bleach smell and mediciney stench of my mask, once the treatment started, I almost didn't make it through the session.  Immediately after the first blinding, blue/purple radiation beam of light stoke my head, I was overwhelmingly hit with nausea. I struggle to "calm" down my stomach, but to no avail, as soon as the second blinding blue beam hit my left side of my head, I could barely hold up from gagging and barfing.  Yup. Gross. The nurse had to act quickly to catch it with a trash can and to hand me the pink hospital bucket.
After a little sip of water and clean up, I gathered myself together to head back out to the car and drive myself back to work. It wasn't fun and I'll have to admit, this treatment isn't just harsh. It's hell.  I hate it and can't wait til tomorrow when I am all done.
And, if you've been following my blog, since my carpool buddy is on vacation today and tomorrow, I don't like it, but I have to drive myself to and from work and to and from treatment. Can't wait for him to be come back and we'll resume our carpool arrangement again.

Day 9-14th Whole Brain treatment
By now, since today was my 14th treatment, like the Doctors had advised, by day 10 and day 11 of this WBR, like perfect prediction, my hair quickly was falling, falling, thinning, and thinning out like crazy. As soon as my treatment 10 ended, my hair started to fuzz up and all day, all night, for days, it was raining down "Fawn's hair" all day.  Annoyed with the itchiness and visual "yuck" of it constantly, endlessly falling at an overwhelming alarming rate, by nightfall, I had my hubby trimmed it into a short shoulder length style. But, to my appallness and disappointment,  he chopped it down length wise to the bottom of my ear in a very unattractive look. Uargh! Needless to say, I was upset.
 I kept replaying and longing for my long hair before he chopped it all off.  Silently, I also wanted so much to hold on to the hope of keeping my hair. But, since my hair was so poorly cut, and when more hair fell off during and after I showered, I slowly gave in the idea of shaving it all off.
 And when much more fell off when I gently brushed my hair down, looking at myself in the mirror, with sadness,I clearly saw that my hairline and head, had massive "balding" spots.  And so, I gave in and ask my hubby to do a clean front shave. Baldness.  It's is hard to accept and get used to. I am sadden to see the loss of my hair. Gone. And just like that, an instant, my beautiful, natural hair, all loss due to WBR treatment. Cancer sucks.

Kids acceptance
But before my hubby proceeded with shaving my hair, I did gently asked my kids, especially Ellen, if it was "ok" for my hubby to cut and shave my head/hair. Reluctantly, Ellen, said and sigh, "awh, ok, Mommy.  If you need to, since Daddy gave you such a bad haircut already."  Isn't that so sweet of her.  She is so intelligent and so articulate with her words for being 5 years old.  Thank you Ellen. Thank you Ethan, Ellen and Emma for understanding.  Each one of you are so precious and so adorable. Mommy loves you so much for having you all endure through this. Thank you for your support and love.
But in preparation for this day where I would loose all my hair, rewind to last week and 2 weeks ago, I had already, slowly explained to them that in a few weeks time, that I would be loosing my hair and that it would be ok as hopefully it will grow back in full through time. I did show them my "wig(s)" that I picked up, since it was the first thing they had asked when I walked home with a bag with "fake" hair.

And so, yup, from last Thursday (4/4/13) onward, I've been wearing a "wig". I put it right after my hubby shave the frontal part of my head. Even Ellen, complimented that she really "liked it" and it looked "nice."

Seriously, I dread and hate having to wear a wig. It feels funny, itchy and just plain unnatural. I can't wait until my own natural hair grows back.  But, until then, a wig must be my new "hair" substitute and a must have necessity. I have 4 wigs now, but 3 of them were from a local wig bank that are synthetic and plastic looking.   After wearing them for a few days, I gave them up and took an hour out to do a quick shopping at a local wig store to find the perfect all natural lace frontal wig that was made from 100% human hair.
With no time to sneak away from the kids for too long, I swiftly just bought a plain, simple, light brown with blondish highlights wig. I wore it today for the first time since I resumed work from my Spring vacation.

Pictures to come to share soon. Everyone at work, actually amazingly like my new look and hair style. They even complimented that I look 10 years younger. That is nice to hear. If you have to wear a wig, all natural is the way to go and a must. Forget the plastic, synthetic ones. It's heavy and itchy. But, I'm hoping and praying that soon, my hair will grow back and I can do away with wearing any wig at all. So, please, hair, do grow back fast and soon.
14 session down. 1 more to go. Lots of Love.

Spring Break Vacation

Today was my first day back to work and the kids day back to school from our whole week of Spring break family vacation. After a whirlwind, demanding, fun packed, crazy busy 9 days of daily day trips all day long, we each were ready to go back to the "normal" usual routine.  Exhausted from the long drives, taxing 3 little kids around, feeding, taking care of them, entertaining them throughout the whole day, including lots of cartoon movies in the car, telling them to stay together as a family, hold hands, don't run off, taking them to frequent potty breaks, packing snacks, fresh fruits and kid lunches for the just in case they can't  eat "real" food, getting them dressed, bathing, packing and unpacking lots of kids stuff (including uneaten food, fruits, boil eggs) and clothes for every type of weather, doing "tricks, encouragement and even threats" so they would all eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, mediating "nagging" tattle tell sibling "wars" over it's "my turn on the ipad" or "my sister says she doesn't like me" etc., I was ready for my own time of peace and quiet days of working in the office.

Family Fun Days
Not to say that I didn't cherish, enjoy and savor in every moment of everyday, spending, precious family, quality time with my hubby and kids, and also with friends and family on some days, but by the end of each day, I was utterly worn out.
From the first day of our first Spring break, since it was Easter weekend, with full of excitement and energy, we jump started it off with attending an Easter festival where the kids enjoyed the petting zoo (pony, chickens, pigs, geese etc), each got their own type of balloons from the balloon making lady and then went to see the annual Campbell  Easter parade. Afterwards, with lots of energy to do a real egg hunt, we head to our local elementary school to participate in the annual, whimsical Easter egg hunt where they each participated in their own age level egg hunts, played carnival games, ate popcorn and cotton candy and even won a neat Summer water playing toys basket in the raffle.  Ethan was so proud to have won it. The girls were overjoyed to eat pink cotton candy and to have baskets filled with eggs with candy. It was a such a delight to see them have so much fun. For lunch, we stopped by my parent's place where we had warm, home cooked food and got in some much needed rest and family time with their cousins.

Spring Break Places
The rest of our vacation days were much like the first where it was jam packed with lots of activities, sights, smells, great food and places. Our day trips thereafter included places like: San Francisco, Monterey Aquarium (where we met up with my sister and her family/kids), Santa Cruz and its beach and boardwalk, Santa Cruz Mystery Spot, Fioli garden/ water temple, Oakland Zoo, went to our good family friend's most organized party ever (little Joey's 5th Birthday party), stayed at home one day to do Spring planting of plants/vegetables, played in the back yard, Half Moon bay Lemos farm, attended my BFF's son 4th Birthday party, and then finally, on the last day, Sunday 4/7, we resumed their swim lessons, had lunch, played with their cousins for a play date and then we were off to do 2 hours of the girls' dance picture session rehearsal.  Whew! Honestly. After all this, I really seriously would't mind a vacation from the vacation.

I tried to slow down and wind down afterwards towards the end, but, like routine, the kid's activities keep us very busy. And yes, of course, to male it more grueling, throughout the 5 days of Spring Break, I had to waked up in the early wee hours at 6:30 AM every day, drag myself out of bed and drive myself to and from Stanford for Whole Brain Radiation (WBR) treatment daily.

Overall, it was an amazing, unforgettable family Spring break vacation. Looking back, I just loved making and creating timely treasure family memories.  It was a lot of hard work.  But, despite the exhaustion with treatment and shuffling 3 kids in tow everyday to lots of places, I wouldn't change a thing. It was filled with so much love, fun, happiness and joy. Priceless. I'm glad I had reserves of energy and stamina to spend each and everyday together with the kids and my hubby, family and friends. Lots of Love.

8th day WBR, Hello Spring Break

Today was my 8th session of WBR as well as doctor day. After my WBR session, I was off to see Dr. Neal, my primary Oncologist and the team. To my disbelief, I actually felt a lot better today. Nauseousness and fatigue did come and go, but it wasn't as pronounced. My vitals were good and my visit and discussion with Dr. Neal and his team went well. He's always a joy to talk to.
To combat and to help with the fatigueness, he suggested taking a low dose of steroid that he would prescribed. A little hesitant, as I don't like being wired and not being able to sleep while on steroids (for short term), I declined. But, he prescribe it to me anyways so that I may fill it on hand and to take it on a need basis. As for the nausea, him and his nurse said I can try taking Compazine instead of the Zofran, if I don't want to endure the constipation side effects of Zofran.  I decline, but acquiesced to it, just for the "in case" I need it purpose days.
As for the Xalkori, I've already restarted resuming taking it twice a day since Wednesday and feel great taking it while going through this WBR. He agreed it was a good idea and cited that it was fine in his reading of medical journals and studies.  Definitely good news to hear. We took a few pictures before my visit ended so that I can remember what I looked like with him with hair.

Spring Break
Once headed back into the office, I keenly focused hard to get all my tasks and training done so that I can began celebrating and welcoming the start of my Spring Break family vacation. By 5PM, it was official.  I was anxious to welcome Spring Break fun, here we come.
Due to my continued daily WBR treatment each day at early in the morning, this Spring Break's family vacation, will become a Stay-Cation. But, no worries, I've already got lots of exciting day trips all planned. Our itinerary list include places like the Zoo, beach, farm, museums, park, play dates, movie theaters, Napa,,Golfland and even Monterey, Carmel or Muir Woods places. Nevertheless, I'm just so glad and looking forward to spending time together as a family, creating fun filled memories to treasure for a lifetime. Lots of Love.

7th WBR

After my 7th session WBR, with nauseousness crushing down, I asked the nurse to give me a Zofran. Overcome with fatigueness as well, I agreed to take it to calm it down. Additionally, she even gave me a "pink, hospital, bucket" to take home for the drive, for the just in case necessity.  Goodness, no, I'm glad I have a need for it.
Still, spells of nauseousness did hit me through and through throughout the day. By 5 pm, I was glad to head on home to watch my son, Ethan in his little league baseball game. Yes, despite exhaustion, I didn't and wouldn't want to miss out in his exciting game; to be there for him.

I'm glad I was there as it was the first time that he got a nasty little fall, scraping his right arm just a little bit, while being tagged by a big boy opponent. With tears and cries of hurt and pain,  I calmly held  him in my arms, washed down his scrape, patted it down with antibiotic ointment and bandaged it up. It took quite awhile, after an inning or so, after holding him, rocking and coaching him, that he was able to shake his anger and pain off to finally, go back and finish the last inning of the game, fielding first base and then batting. At the end of his, game, for his courage and lesson of overcoming his injury to come back to regroup with the team, he earned his first "game" ball. Go Yankees and "Ethan P." was hand written by his coach on the ball. A proud moment for Ethan to have been awarded this honor. We will treasure souvenir.

With a sunlight still out, we walked towards the car and drove on home. I gave them all a much needed bath, we all ate a quick dinner and it was off to bedtime.Lots of Love.

6th Day WBR

My 6th session of WBR came and went. Afterwards, I joined my best friend (BFF), Linh for a nice lunch at Santana Row. I had delicious, wholesome healthy salad and wheat pasta over salmon, while she selected the Fruta del Mar. Then we strolled through one of my favorite furniture shops, Z Gallery, frolicking over beautiful, expensive luxuries, slurping our pearl, milk teas in hand. We talked about our kids, caught up on our lives and laughed. It was so delightful; time, almost stood..What an enchanting time. It's been awhile where I was able to steal some quality time away from the kids hectic activities, work and treatment  and to nourish myself on soulful times, hanging out with my dear friend.
Soon enough, much too soon, our little lunch date was over and we were about to part our ways to our responsibilities and errands. I was heading towards my planned trip to the local wig bank to pick out and get fitted for a wig.  But, much to my surprise, Linh promptly was able to change her plans around and was able to kindly join me on my wig picking stop. To continue our conversations, she even graciously offered to drive.  What a true BFF! I'm so thankful for her and her friendship.
As we got there, she helped me select and put on a handful of wigs, hats, scarfs and head coverings. Short ones, long ones, blond ones, curly ones, red hair, brown hair and even red ones, I tried them all to just pick just the right one. We laughed, had some fun and finally, we narrowed it down  to the perfect, "natural" looking ones. With 2 selected, she snapped 2 photos with my iphone and we agreed on a final winner. Thank goodness for best friends. Thank goodness for Linh. As we left the place, Linh, with a half hour of free time still, since we didn't find the perfect hat and I had expressed my wish of getting the perfect, "lounge" chair to curl in, we drove to the nearest budget friendly shops, like World Market and Marshall's to window shop.  Before we know it, our 15 minutes of shopping came to end. We said our good byes and then parted ways towards home.
Once home, my day immediately turned hectically busy. Instantly, as I stepped inside, I rushed to give the kids a bath, swiftly packed all of their snacks, put all three in the car so that I can take Ellen to her baseball practice and then take them onto Kumon.  All the while waiting, with Emma not attending Kumon, we head to the store to pick Easter eggs and snacks for the kids class and get dinner ready. Whew. By night fall, exhausted, we all crashed for much needed sleep. Lots of Love.

5th Day WBR

With construction and street crews out doing Spring tree trimming, I ran just a little late to my 5th session of WBR. As usual, it was quick and simple. This time, like yesterday, I asked them to cover my eyes with a little cloth. But, still, to no avail, the beams still blindly bother me. It helped shielded my eyes just a little bit, but anything helps.  Afterwards, I met with Dr. D, the residency since Dr. G is out to tell him of my decision to stay the course.  I also told him of epidsodes of naseausness and so he said to take Zofran for it before treatment.  I'll have it handy on hand, but I woudn't use it unless I really, really needed it as I don't like the side effects of constipation it causes.
Today felt alot better than yesterday as I gave myself a break off taking both the Xalkori and the Memantine.  Dr. N was so right not to combine the two treatments at the same time. What a difference it made! I felt so much better not taking Xalkori today. I felt tired and fatigue still nevertheless, but it was not overpowering.

Once back into the office, I was able to focus sharply on work.  It was a great, productive day. 5th session down. 10 more to go. Lots of Love.

4th Day WBR

I got up early this morning for an early 7AM work meeting call. Of course this fatigueness, still hovers me and no matter what, I can't shake it off. Blame it on the WBR.
But, I move towards my day, telling myself to take frequent rests.  Before I know it, it was time to head off to my 4th session of WBR.
It went quickly and this time, I had a check in visit with Dr. G afterwards. I tell her of how I can't shake off this intense fatigueness and also begged her if I can have a break off from this WBR treatment next week as it is my Spring Break family vacation.
She was kind enough to suggest a few options, like intensifying my radiation and its intensity so that I can be done by Wednesday, 4/3 or giving me every other day off. But, I'm still unsure of either options as I'm terrified if I can handle double the fatigueness if given double the radiation.  And taking the 2nd option of every other day off, further stretches the process along; which means more fatigueness carried further.  Getting done with treatment sooner than later is a welcome, but more intense radiation strength also means my hair will definitely all fall out.  And so if I just stay the course, I'm holding to a thread of hope and chance that my hair will only thin out.  But, Dr. G, crushes that hope as she tells me, "You will loose all your hair. No doubt about it."
So, I'm still thinking about it and will discuss with her more about it tomorrow. Either way, I still have to get this WBR done.  It is what it is.  4 down. 11 more to go.  Lots of Love.

Magical Sunday

By Sunday, when I woke up, fatigue, like a shadow, followed me. Nevertheless, I kept moving on, taking the kids to their swim lessons. And yes, to make it complicated, they each are in separate classes for being in 3 different levels. Despite the spells of tiredness, it was a joy to watch them swim, smile, laugh and learn. I love watching them jump into the pool, kick their little legs and move their arms with each stroke, float and paddle through the water with grace and effort.  It is through being their for them, being with them in these moments, that makes being a mother, truly wonderful.

Afterwards, we visited my parents and ate my mom's yummy, home cooked noodle dishes and desserts. I chatted and caught up on how things are.  I love my mom. It's a pleasure to just to see her and visit my family.  The kids love it too as it's their only visit once per week play date with their cousins.  By 3 pm, a bit winded, and having errands to complete before the work week begins, we left.  Fatigue wearing me down, I quickly just picked up only a few grocery items and drove on home.
But, as tired as I was, I just couldn't resist hanging out with the kids, in our back yard, watching them play, ride their bikes, swing on the swing set, blow bubbles, pick flowers and slurp sweet ice cream on a cone.  With the beautiful, warm weather, this was a perfect day to hang out at home, being lazy in my PJs, to soak some rest and relaxation. Now, all I need is to get some lounging pool chairs so that I truly can just literally lounge instead of sit. I love these quiet, lazy days; being together as a family.  To make the day even more enjoyable, my hubby grilled steaks, links and apple sausages for dinner. Yummy. What a magical day.
I'm glad I didn't waste the day, whimpering and sleeping all day, curled bed. Not to say resting is bad, but I am just grateful that I was able to rest and be apart of my kids day. Lots of Love

Day 3 WBR - I am so Tired!

My 3rd session of WBR went smooth and quick. I was in and out. Except afterwards, I had to wait for the nurse to tell me about the side effects and management of it. She didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. She did mentioned that other than the chance of thinning of hair and perhaps even loosing my hair, that my ears may get red or look like a sunburn from the radiation beams. To manage it, she tells me  to apply certain lotions like Cetaphil after treatment.
Just before heading to speak with the nurse, since it's my 3rd day now, having seen familiar faces of patients, I chatted with some of the friendly patients there. I spoke with 2 ladies who each tell me of their own diagnosis and journey. Each have different cancers and they each have hope that they will recover. Lucky for them, certain cancers are so much more curable than others. Unlucky for me. Mine is incurable. Sigh.. We didn't chat for too long since each of us were called in.  But, it was nice to hear each patient's unique story and connect with other women who have cancer.

After treatment, as we drove back, it was near lunch time and a surge mixture of tiredness, fatigue and nausea hit me. I tried to take it easy and just ate a small bowl of soup for lunch.  But by 5 PM, I was ready to call it a day.  Thank goodness it was Friday and I have a break from treatment for the weekend.
After interacting with the kids, helping them with some Kumon, even the kids were beat and by 8 PM, we  were ready for bed. We read some bedtime stories and as the kids drifted off to sleep, it was finally a moment of downtime for me. I caught up with my reading of other's inspirational blogs.

I slept alright throughout the night. But, fatigue lingered. By morning and throughout the day, fatigue and nausea consumed me. Nevertheless, not wanting to miss out in my kids activities, I dragged myself to be apart of their day; watching my son in his baseball game, the girls' last recital hip hop dance class, Ellen's Sweet Heat T ball game, Kumon, their cousin A's 5th Birthday party and the girl's ballet class.  It's been a crazy, fun filled day as usual, packed with so much activities, love, happiness and joy; at least for the kids. I did squeeze in a much needed nap though just before the Birthday party so no worries.

 Now, it's almost 8 PM and I am overcome with exhaustion and fatigue. It's only been 3 WBR sessions and I already dread how much more of this I can handle. This is hell alright. Misery. Painful agony.  In a zombie like state, with fatigue overpowering me. So heading to bed now. Rest. Peace. Serenity. 3 down. 12 more sessions to go. Lots of Love.

Day 2 WBR

Right before bedtime last night, I suddenly started feeling the chills and yes, my head was still bothering me, pounding, hurting; only this time, it was becoming more of a headache.  To combat the chills, I curled in a cocoon of warm blankets.   But, wait.  Not just yet.  I am still a mom of three kids.  No rest just yet.  Before I can call it a night, I had to carry out my motherly duties, helping the kids get ready for bed and do my part in the nightly routine of reading bedtime stories.  Luckily, the internet is a wonderful, handy resource.  With great apps already downloaded, and bookmarks in place for the kids reading leisure, we quickly read books, and even audio books online using the awesome Ipad.

I slept alright, but still, my head did hurt throughout the night.  Not sure of what causing my head to throb.  It could be due to the WBR, the side effects from taking memantine (the  drug used to treat the symptoms of Alzheimer's disease ), the brain tumors itself or all of the above.  But, by morning, I felt so much better and readied myself for work.

Today was my day 2 or second session of WBR. It went fairly smooth. Fortunately, my carpool friend, C, whom I carpool with everyday to and from work, when I told him of my brain MRI results last week, kindly offered to take me to ALL of my WBR treatments (well, for the days I am at work technically).  It is nice to have supportive coworkers and friends.  Thank goodness for loving friends.

Today’s session was just like yesterday except it lasted only 5-10 minutes.  Except, now, I can distinctly note that I really dislike the bright beams of radiation striking through my head and eyes. And yes, even with my eyes, pressed firmly, doubly closed and tight, it did bother me.  Another thing I did notice was the “chlorine” burnt like stench that is released instantly by the radiation machine. Yuck.  Any longer, nausea would have hit and vomit would clearly be the output.

As we drove back to work, I did feel a little be winded, climbing up a few flight of stairs from the parking lot, towards my cube.  By then, it was near lunch time, and a wave of nausea started to creep in.  Double yuck.  I am glad it was short and quick.  2 sessions down, 13 more to go.  Lots of Love.