Please Support My "Bucket list DREAM

Time off, My "Bucket" list dream goal
By coincidence, as I way laying there on my last WBR treatment, happy that it was over, I had a serendipity moment. Like lightning speed, and by chance, somehow, my inner voice told me, to think about taking time off work soon or to look into taking FMLA leave for the summer, ( 12 weeks of FMLA leave so that I can spend time with the kids and family to travel to back to my native country, Vietnam). It would be perfect as the kids would be off school, and with my hubby currently unemployed, it would be the perfect time to travel. Even more so, if I were to take 12 weeks of FMLA, my job would be job protected and I would be allowed to resume my current job as an analyst. My benefits and especially, my medical benefits and every other benefits will be in tact.

Excited, happy and anxious, I quickly thought of ideas and texted and sent a email to a few close friends of my desire, plan and goal. Smiles full of glee, I thought to myself, this would be the perfect opportunity for me to complete, if you will, my "bucket" list dream of visiting and traveling back to see my birth country, Vietnam.

Before my lifetime, ultimately, that would be my goal. To see family, aunts, uncles, cousins, sightseeing, and being back to my native country to soak in all its culture and beauty, that would be my dream. This is a big goal I know and if before I can even think it would be possible, I marched quickly to thinking that I will need to humbly ask everyone, and I mean everyone, for help.

Help fund me please
So please, join me in contributing any ideas, suggestion and or donation in support of  me in organizing and ramping up a fundrasing effort so that I can accomplish my dream and goal.

And so, friends, family, followers, please join me in and donating, in support to fund my life, "bucket" goal if you will. Click on the donate button, please if you can.
More planning on my part to do, like passports, budgets, and details to research and look into to see if this is even possible.
Please feel free to email if you have have suggestions or can help with any fundraising effort. I welcome all your support and ideas.  Lots of Love.

Family, friends, food, fun, sun! Hobbies

Like most weekends, this past weekend was no different. With just two days off, my weekends with the kids are so precious. As so, the entire weekend was spent loaded with so much fun with lots of activities. From Sat throughout Sunday, all day, we spent every minute of every second, together as a family and with friends, laughing, playing and socializing with the familiar faces of my kids baseball team, team parents, dance class, good personal friends and family.

Time with my other BFFs - Kim and Liz
With Little league, Kumon and ballet classes, our Saturdays are always full of activities, keeping me busy all day. But, no matter how busy I get, I always take time out to also meet up and squeeze in much needed time with friends. And so, after a full day of activities, after the kids' games and Kumon, this past Saturday, I was so delighted and so happy to also see my two other BFFs (Best friends forever), Kim and Liz. These two friends, are the best, most loving, supportive and kindest people.  I'm so fortunate to have friends like them.  I love them both so much for their gentle souls, warm heart and no matter what, through thick and thin, have always supported me through all the ups, downs and challenges I have face daily

Both Kim and Liz, when they heard about my WBR treatment, called,, text, IM and reached out to see how I was doing  right away. Kim brought over a beautiful display bouquet of daffodils, packed a yummy lunch, salad, fruits, and Liz brought burrito rolls, drinks, snacks and juices for the kids. Kim even packed dessert. We enjoyed great food. We hugged. We talked, laughed and caught up on lives and shared our stories of travels and personal challenges. It was so lovely.

Thank you endless Kim and Liz for your love, support and friendship. Thank you for always being there for me, hubby and the kids. Thank you for all the toys to the kids for the during the Christmas and their Birthdays. We appreciate your kind hearts and love.

Soon enough by 5 or so, our quick late lunch was over and we said our good byes and hugs. They each had long drives back home. Thank goodness for friends like Kim and Liz. Thank goodness for that 1.5 hour break where I was gifted with that time to myself to see and hang out with my "adult" friends.

Dance Class
By then, as soon as they left, I had to switch gears to be a busy mom again, by getting the girls get ready in their dance leotards, dance clothes and shoes. It was dance lessons time. With their big dance recital coming on June 2, they've only got 7 more weeks ( or lessons ) left for that big day performance. Families, friends, you are welcome to come join us for that big day so Save that date if you can come.

As we got there, as always, packed on hand with me, ready with my own camera and camcorder, I  qickly snapped up and sneak quick flicks of them practicing through the not so clear, plastic tiny window (their had strict policies to not allow parents inside the class as it would cause a disturbance and distraction for the students). And then, I sat back to join in the rest of the mothers awaiting in the waiting room with motherly discussions and conversations on raising kids.
Yes, recently, I've always, besides having my iphone with me, in the weekends, am readily geared with my own Nikon camera and Sony handy camcorder to record and snap all the happiness that surrounds me. Like most moms, I don't want to miss out a thing, capturing every candid moment to document for memories keepsake.

Hobbies
Other than my relentless love for kids and hubby, in my "free" time, I have so many hobbies of my own that I love to do. Besides, my love of writing and spending quality time with my kids, family and friends, I love to read, read and read. I love photography, videography (editing it, adding music to it), gardening (we planted lots of vegetables over Spring Break), watching good movies, sight seeing and exploring the beauty of nature, animals), editing and organizing photography pictures into albums (which I have yet to do), cooking, traveling and finally, dining out and eating good food.

Furthermore, I also love taking long walks with my two dogs, playing with my outdoor cat and listening to many favorite Podcasts on itunes (like NPR, this American Life, the Moth, 60 Minutes, NPR) and audio books and reading bedtime stories to my kids.
Yes, I have so many loves and hobbies. Oh, how I wish I can have all the time in the world to enjoy and do all of these wonderful things. But, with working all day, and kids, having limited "free" time is so hard.  Awh, the agony of work and the business of motherhood and parenthood.  Free time is a rarity and scarce. Oh how I fancy to have "free" time to do all my loves and hobbies.  Impossible. Sigh, so little time left. So quickly how time flies in a day.  And sadly, there's so little time left in my lifetime. Lots of Love.

Busy day, My Friend Lynn

It's 11 PM and finally, a moment of peace and quiet time to myself. Tired, exhausted and in desperate need of sleep and rest, I'm ready for bed as soon as I finish this entry. I write to release the thoughts, emotions, stress, worries and to express the million of thoughts that constantly crowd my mind. I love to write. Writing is my coping mechanism. Through journaling down my thoughts and articulating my worries, feelings and anxieties, I release all the bottled down fears, stresses and challenges that come my way everyday. And right now, there are so many stresses and challenges besides my cancer and treatment and kids that are very worrisome and concerning to me. More to share in another post.

Today as usual, has been busy as usual; packed with so much responsibilities, appointments, obligations and parental responsibilities. Isn't there an "easy, relaxing" day coming my way soon?  Really, I am so due for a rest and relaxation day from everything! Wouldn't that be a dream to have a day where I can just have a day off just to catch my breath. But, with my luck, I guess not. Right now, there's an overwhelming amount of  "bad luck" and challenges happening my way through no fault of mine.

Instantly, as 7 AM hit, I woke up busy. Luckily, with my hubby's help with the getting the kids ready for school, feeding them breakfast, I had a free moment to eat breakfast and logged onto work. But not soon, not a second free, I was off to taking the girls and Ethan to school, talking to their teachers to see how each are doing, giving them good bye hugs, taking some photos of them on my iphone, then went straight back to work from home to be on a conference, deep dive call and worked until noon.

Meet my Friend, Lynn
Right after that, I drove to meet up with my good friend, Lynn for lunch. It was such a joy to meet with her to catch up with how she is doing. Like me, in her late 30s, sadly, she too has the same exact, dire, non small cell lung cancer, stage 4, with metastasis throughout.  Like me, she never smoked and lived healthy.  And like me, she is Asian and has a young son. And like me, we have fears that soon someday, we will be running out of treatment options or that our treatments will stop being effective.
We laughed. We cried. We hugged and shared out experiences, treatments and supported one another. We talked about how no one really understands the harsh experiences of chemo, radiation, Cyberknife and radiation treatment until you really go through it. We talked about loosing hope in this hopeless and senseless disease and our worries, fears of leaving behind our young children, motherless. We talked about our acceptance of our untimely fate.
Throughout our 2 hour lunch date, ultimately we both shared and agreed on one thing that is the biggest worry out of all our worries. Besides our fears of running out of treatment options, by far, our greatest of concern is our kids. Not being able be there to raise and be there for our kids into adulthood lays heavy on our hearts. It's a heavy burden that we, as mothers, will be robbed of being there for our kids, as all kids deserve their mother's wisdom, support, love and guidance. It's heartbreaking and a big burden on our hearts.
Soon enough, our lunch date was winding down.  But, we promise to keep supporting one another and meeting up more frequently to support one another.

Hairstylist
Already so late since my lunch date with Lynn ran over, I was off to see my personal hair stylist to help me style my new "wigs". I was so glad to have found him as he does hair weaves, hair clip on and extensions (for the down the road 3 - 6 month future hair wig needs as well).  He was so kind and luckily, his store was right in my neighborhood. We first started out heading out to a local "wig" store so that I pick out another all natural, human hair wig so that I can have another style.
But, to my discontent, we didn't find anything that I like. So then, we drove back to the salon so that he can wash my bald head and what little hair left I had, wash my two wigs, style, and cut both of them to my liking and to my face/structure.  Except, since only one of my wigs was made out of 100% human hair, he was only able to quickly wash, brush and style the other black synthetic hair. Since the black hair was made out of "plastic", no blow drying and hot flat iron could be used on it or else it would melt.
By 7 PM, he was done and I  walked out so pretty darn looking, no one would be able to tell it's not my own natural hair. Amazing. What talent he has. So thankful for his service.

Doctor Appointment
I was late to my hairstylist due to a last minute appointment stop in to see my other Doctor, for my annual check up.  That appointment with Dr. V, took a lot longer than I expected. But, like the rest of my doctors, he was a joy to see and talk to. He delivered all my three babies and for that, I am ever so grateful to be in his care.
Beside my routine exam, I did ask them about some other questions and he readily answered. On top of that, by good timing, he was also able to help me fill out some other medical related forms and applications on FMLA leave. More on that soon.
Well, this post is getting way too long.  It's midnight now and I'm getting overly tired.  I'm calling it a night. Lots of Love.

15th Day and FINAL WBR session & Pictures of my new "hair" look

Last Day WBR treatment
Atlas, today was my last and final round of my 15th day of whole brain radiation treatment. This was the day I was waiting for since 3 weeks ago when I first started. Yay! I made it. At the end of my treatment, I was given a certificate of Congratulations of completion. I was so happy to be done with this. Anymore treatment, my head would be literally toasted, fried, burned and baked for sure. I'm so glad to be done. I jumped for joy and thanked the radiation nurses and team. Goodbye mask, good bye and good riddance  chlorine smell and blinding blue light!

Today's treatment went fairly smooth where I tried hard to not gag and have another repeat episode of yesterday's incident; although I almost did, but because I ate some candy before treatment, it worked . Afterwards, I met with the Doctors to go over the healing and recovery process. Dr. Gibbs gave me some care tips on how to care for my hairless, balding scalp and told me that in 2-4 weeks, the fatigue should wear off. She also mentioned that in 3 months, I will do another brain MRI to see the effectiveness of this WBR treatment. Then, after the 3 months, from then out, if everything is good, my routine brain MRI will be spread out to every 6 months. Let's hope my next brain MRI will be clean and good for the long term. I'll be praying so hard for positive results.

So, as promised, below are some pictures of me in my new "hair do". What do you think? Black or light brown with blond highlights? I told myself,  if I have to wear a wig, I might as well have fun with it.  I may pick up one more 100% human hair wig tomorrow to add to my collection so that I can easily change my style and look for variety.  Lots of Love.

Day 9 thru Day 14 WBR

Today was my day 14 of my WBR session. The session today, for some reason, it took a littlelonger due to the nurse having to align my head to the machine. Because it took 5 minutes longer than usual to set up, and perhaps I was already so exhausted from the Spring vacation, laying down instantly made me dizzy.
To make it worse, with a keen sense of smell,  with the odor of the chlorine bleach smell and mediciney stench of my mask, once the treatment started, I almost didn't make it through the session.  Immediately after the first blinding, blue/purple radiation beam of light stoke my head, I was overwhelmingly hit with nausea. I struggle to "calm" down my stomach, but to no avail, as soon as the second blinding blue beam hit my left side of my head, I could barely hold up from gagging and barfing.  Yup. Gross. The nurse had to act quickly to catch it with a trash can and to hand me the pink hospital bucket.
After a little sip of water and clean up, I gathered myself together to head back out to the car and drive myself back to work. It wasn't fun and I'll have to admit, this treatment isn't just harsh. It's hell.  I hate it and can't wait til tomorrow when I am all done.
And, if you've been following my blog, since my carpool buddy is on vacation today and tomorrow, I don't like it, but I have to drive myself to and from work and to and from treatment. Can't wait for him to be come back and we'll resume our carpool arrangement again.

Day 9-14th Whole Brain treatment
By now, since today was my 14th treatment, like the Doctors had advised, by day 10 and day 11 of this WBR, like perfect prediction, my hair quickly was falling, falling, thinning, and thinning out like crazy. As soon as my treatment 10 ended, my hair started to fuzz up and all day, all night, for days, it was raining down "Fawn's hair" all day.  Annoyed with the itchiness and visual "yuck" of it constantly, endlessly falling at an overwhelming alarming rate, by nightfall, I had my hubby trimmed it into a short shoulder length style. But, to my appallness and disappointment,  he chopped it down length wise to the bottom of my ear in a very unattractive look. Uargh! Needless to say, I was upset.
 I kept replaying and longing for my long hair before he chopped it all off.  Silently, I also wanted so much to hold on to the hope of keeping my hair. But, since my hair was so poorly cut, and when more hair fell off during and after I showered, I slowly gave in the idea of shaving it all off.
 And when much more fell off when I gently brushed my hair down, looking at myself in the mirror, with sadness,I clearly saw that my hairline and head, had massive "balding" spots.  And so, I gave in and ask my hubby to do a clean front shave. Baldness.  It's is hard to accept and get used to. I am sadden to see the loss of my hair. Gone. And just like that, an instant, my beautiful, natural hair, all loss due to WBR treatment. Cancer sucks.

Kids acceptance
But before my hubby proceeded with shaving my hair, I did gently asked my kids, especially Ellen, if it was "ok" for my hubby to cut and shave my head/hair. Reluctantly, Ellen, said and sigh, "awh, ok, Mommy.  If you need to, since Daddy gave you such a bad haircut already."  Isn't that so sweet of her.  She is so intelligent and so articulate with her words for being 5 years old.  Thank you Ellen. Thank you Ethan, Ellen and Emma for understanding.  Each one of you are so precious and so adorable. Mommy loves you so much for having you all endure through this. Thank you for your support and love.
But in preparation for this day where I would loose all my hair, rewind to last week and 2 weeks ago, I had already, slowly explained to them that in a few weeks time, that I would be loosing my hair and that it would be ok as hopefully it will grow back in full through time. I did show them my "wig(s)" that I picked up, since it was the first thing they had asked when I walked home with a bag with "fake" hair.

And so, yup, from last Thursday (4/4/13) onward, I've been wearing a "wig". I put it right after my hubby shave the frontal part of my head. Even Ellen, complimented that she really "liked it" and it looked "nice."

Seriously, I dread and hate having to wear a wig. It feels funny, itchy and just plain unnatural. I can't wait until my own natural hair grows back.  But, until then, a wig must be my new "hair" substitute and a must have necessity. I have 4 wigs now, but 3 of them were from a local wig bank that are synthetic and plastic looking.   After wearing them for a few days, I gave them up and took an hour out to do a quick shopping at a local wig store to find the perfect all natural lace frontal wig that was made from 100% human hair.
With no time to sneak away from the kids for too long, I swiftly just bought a plain, simple, light brown with blondish highlights wig. I wore it today for the first time since I resumed work from my Spring vacation.

Pictures to come to share soon. Everyone at work, actually amazingly like my new look and hair style. They even complimented that I look 10 years younger. That is nice to hear. If you have to wear a wig, all natural is the way to go and a must. Forget the plastic, synthetic ones. It's heavy and itchy. But, I'm hoping and praying that soon, my hair will grow back and I can do away with wearing any wig at all. So, please, hair, do grow back fast and soon.
14 session down. 1 more to go. Lots of Love.

Spring Break Vacation

Today was my first day back to work and the kids day back to school from our whole week of Spring break family vacation. After a whirlwind, demanding, fun packed, crazy busy 9 days of daily day trips all day long, we each were ready to go back to the "normal" usual routine.  Exhausted from the long drives, taxing 3 little kids around, feeding, taking care of them, entertaining them throughout the whole day, including lots of cartoon movies in the car, telling them to stay together as a family, hold hands, don't run off, taking them to frequent potty breaks, packing snacks, fresh fruits and kid lunches for the just in case they can't  eat "real" food, getting them dressed, bathing, packing and unpacking lots of kids stuff (including uneaten food, fruits, boil eggs) and clothes for every type of weather, doing "tricks, encouragement and even threats" so they would all eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, mediating "nagging" tattle tell sibling "wars" over it's "my turn on the ipad" or "my sister says she doesn't like me" etc., I was ready for my own time of peace and quiet days of working in the office.

Family Fun Days
Not to say that I didn't cherish, enjoy and savor in every moment of everyday, spending, precious family, quality time with my hubby and kids, and also with friends and family on some days, but by the end of each day, I was utterly worn out.
From the first day of our first Spring break, since it was Easter weekend, with full of excitement and energy, we jump started it off with attending an Easter festival where the kids enjoyed the petting zoo (pony, chickens, pigs, geese etc), each got their own type of balloons from the balloon making lady and then went to see the annual Campbell  Easter parade. Afterwards, with lots of energy to do a real egg hunt, we head to our local elementary school to participate in the annual, whimsical Easter egg hunt where they each participated in their own age level egg hunts, played carnival games, ate popcorn and cotton candy and even won a neat Summer water playing toys basket in the raffle.  Ethan was so proud to have won it. The girls were overjoyed to eat pink cotton candy and to have baskets filled with eggs with candy. It was a such a delight to see them have so much fun. For lunch, we stopped by my parent's place where we had warm, home cooked food and got in some much needed rest and family time with their cousins.

Spring Break Places
The rest of our vacation days were much like the first where it was jam packed with lots of activities, sights, smells, great food and places. Our day trips thereafter included places like: San Francisco, Monterey Aquarium (where we met up with my sister and her family/kids), Santa Cruz and its beach and boardwalk, Santa Cruz Mystery Spot, Fioli garden/ water temple, Oakland Zoo, went to our good family friend's most organized party ever (little Joey's 5th Birthday party), stayed at home one day to do Spring planting of plants/vegetables, played in the back yard, Half Moon bay Lemos farm, attended my BFF's son 4th Birthday party, and then finally, on the last day, Sunday 4/7, we resumed their swim lessons, had lunch, played with their cousins for a play date and then we were off to do 2 hours of the girls' dance picture session rehearsal.  Whew! Honestly. After all this, I really seriously would't mind a vacation from the vacation.

I tried to slow down and wind down afterwards towards the end, but, like routine, the kid's activities keep us very busy. And yes, of course, to male it more grueling, throughout the 5 days of Spring Break, I had to waked up in the early wee hours at 6:30 AM every day, drag myself out of bed and drive myself to and from Stanford for Whole Brain Radiation (WBR) treatment daily.

Overall, it was an amazing, unforgettable family Spring break vacation. Looking back, I just loved making and creating timely treasure family memories.  It was a lot of hard work.  But, despite the exhaustion with treatment and shuffling 3 kids in tow everyday to lots of places, I wouldn't change a thing. It was filled with so much love, fun, happiness and joy. Priceless. I'm glad I had reserves of energy and stamina to spend each and everyday together with the kids and my hubby, family and friends. Lots of Love.