8th day WBR, Hello Spring Break

Today was my 8th session of WBR as well as doctor day. After my WBR session, I was off to see Dr. Neal, my primary Oncologist and the team. To my disbelief, I actually felt a lot better today. Nauseousness and fatigue did come and go, but it wasn't as pronounced. My vitals were good and my visit and discussion with Dr. Neal and his team went well. He's always a joy to talk to.
To combat and to help with the fatigueness, he suggested taking a low dose of steroid that he would prescribed. A little hesitant, as I don't like being wired and not being able to sleep while on steroids (for short term), I declined. But, he prescribe it to me anyways so that I may fill it on hand and to take it on a need basis. As for the nausea, him and his nurse said I can try taking Compazine instead of the Zofran, if I don't want to endure the constipation side effects of Zofran.  I decline, but acquiesced to it, just for the "in case" I need it purpose days.
As for the Xalkori, I've already restarted resuming taking it twice a day since Wednesday and feel great taking it while going through this WBR. He agreed it was a good idea and cited that it was fine in his reading of medical journals and studies.  Definitely good news to hear. We took a few pictures before my visit ended so that I can remember what I looked like with him with hair.

Spring Break
Once headed back into the office, I keenly focused hard to get all my tasks and training done so that I can began celebrating and welcoming the start of my Spring Break family vacation. By 5PM, it was official.  I was anxious to welcome Spring Break fun, here we come.
Due to my continued daily WBR treatment each day at early in the morning, this Spring Break's family vacation, will become a Stay-Cation. But, no worries, I've already got lots of exciting day trips all planned. Our itinerary list include places like the Zoo, beach, farm, museums, park, play dates, movie theaters, Napa,,Golfland and even Monterey, Carmel or Muir Woods places. Nevertheless, I'm just so glad and looking forward to spending time together as a family, creating fun filled memories to treasure for a lifetime. Lots of Love.

7th WBR

After my 7th session WBR, with nauseousness crushing down, I asked the nurse to give me a Zofran. Overcome with fatigueness as well, I agreed to take it to calm it down. Additionally, she even gave me a "pink, hospital, bucket" to take home for the drive, for the just in case necessity.  Goodness, no, I'm glad I have a need for it.
Still, spells of nauseousness did hit me through and through throughout the day. By 5 pm, I was glad to head on home to watch my son, Ethan in his little league baseball game. Yes, despite exhaustion, I didn't and wouldn't want to miss out in his exciting game; to be there for him.

I'm glad I was there as it was the first time that he got a nasty little fall, scraping his right arm just a little bit, while being tagged by a big boy opponent. With tears and cries of hurt and pain,  I calmly held  him in my arms, washed down his scrape, patted it down with antibiotic ointment and bandaged it up. It took quite awhile, after an inning or so, after holding him, rocking and coaching him, that he was able to shake his anger and pain off to finally, go back and finish the last inning of the game, fielding first base and then batting. At the end of his, game, for his courage and lesson of overcoming his injury to come back to regroup with the team, he earned his first "game" ball. Go Yankees and "Ethan P." was hand written by his coach on the ball. A proud moment for Ethan to have been awarded this honor. We will treasure souvenir.

With a sunlight still out, we walked towards the car and drove on home. I gave them all a much needed bath, we all ate a quick dinner and it was off to bedtime.Lots of Love.

6th Day WBR

My 6th session of WBR came and went. Afterwards, I joined my best friend (BFF), Linh for a nice lunch at Santana Row. I had delicious, wholesome healthy salad and wheat pasta over salmon, while she selected the Fruta del Mar. Then we strolled through one of my favorite furniture shops, Z Gallery, frolicking over beautiful, expensive luxuries, slurping our pearl, milk teas in hand. We talked about our kids, caught up on our lives and laughed. It was so delightful; time, almost stood..What an enchanting time. It's been awhile where I was able to steal some quality time away from the kids hectic activities, work and treatment  and to nourish myself on soulful times, hanging out with my dear friend.
Soon enough, much too soon, our little lunch date was over and we were about to part our ways to our responsibilities and errands. I was heading towards my planned trip to the local wig bank to pick out and get fitted for a wig.  But, much to my surprise, Linh promptly was able to change her plans around and was able to kindly join me on my wig picking stop. To continue our conversations, she even graciously offered to drive.  What a true BFF! I'm so thankful for her and her friendship.
As we got there, she helped me select and put on a handful of wigs, hats, scarfs and head coverings. Short ones, long ones, blond ones, curly ones, red hair, brown hair and even red ones, I tried them all to just pick just the right one. We laughed, had some fun and finally, we narrowed it down  to the perfect, "natural" looking ones. With 2 selected, she snapped 2 photos with my iphone and we agreed on a final winner. Thank goodness for best friends. Thank goodness for Linh. As we left the place, Linh, with a half hour of free time still, since we didn't find the perfect hat and I had expressed my wish of getting the perfect, "lounge" chair to curl in, we drove to the nearest budget friendly shops, like World Market and Marshall's to window shop.  Before we know it, our 15 minutes of shopping came to end. We said our good byes and then parted ways towards home.
Once home, my day immediately turned hectically busy. Instantly, as I stepped inside, I rushed to give the kids a bath, swiftly packed all of their snacks, put all three in the car so that I can take Ellen to her baseball practice and then take them onto Kumon.  All the while waiting, with Emma not attending Kumon, we head to the store to pick Easter eggs and snacks for the kids class and get dinner ready. Whew. By night fall, exhausted, we all crashed for much needed sleep. Lots of Love.

5th Day WBR

With construction and street crews out doing Spring tree trimming, I ran just a little late to my 5th session of WBR. As usual, it was quick and simple. This time, like yesterday, I asked them to cover my eyes with a little cloth. But, still, to no avail, the beams still blindly bother me. It helped shielded my eyes just a little bit, but anything helps.  Afterwards, I met with Dr. D, the residency since Dr. G is out to tell him of my decision to stay the course.  I also told him of epidsodes of naseausness and so he said to take Zofran for it before treatment.  I'll have it handy on hand, but I woudn't use it unless I really, really needed it as I don't like the side effects of constipation it causes.
Today felt alot better than yesterday as I gave myself a break off taking both the Xalkori and the Memantine.  Dr. N was so right not to combine the two treatments at the same time. What a difference it made! I felt so much better not taking Xalkori today. I felt tired and fatigue still nevertheless, but it was not overpowering.

Once back into the office, I was able to focus sharply on work.  It was a great, productive day. 5th session down. 10 more to go. Lots of Love.

4th Day WBR

I got up early this morning for an early 7AM work meeting call. Of course this fatigueness, still hovers me and no matter what, I can't shake it off. Blame it on the WBR.
But, I move towards my day, telling myself to take frequent rests.  Before I know it, it was time to head off to my 4th session of WBR.
It went quickly and this time, I had a check in visit with Dr. G afterwards. I tell her of how I can't shake off this intense fatigueness and also begged her if I can have a break off from this WBR treatment next week as it is my Spring Break family vacation.
She was kind enough to suggest a few options, like intensifying my radiation and its intensity so that I can be done by Wednesday, 4/3 or giving me every other day off. But, I'm still unsure of either options as I'm terrified if I can handle double the fatigueness if given double the radiation.  And taking the 2nd option of every other day off, further stretches the process along; which means more fatigueness carried further.  Getting done with treatment sooner than later is a welcome, but more intense radiation strength also means my hair will definitely all fall out.  And so if I just stay the course, I'm holding to a thread of hope and chance that my hair will only thin out.  But, Dr. G, crushes that hope as she tells me, "You will loose all your hair. No doubt about it."
So, I'm still thinking about it and will discuss with her more about it tomorrow. Either way, I still have to get this WBR done.  It is what it is.  4 down. 11 more to go.  Lots of Love.

Magical Sunday

By Sunday, when I woke up, fatigue, like a shadow, followed me. Nevertheless, I kept moving on, taking the kids to their swim lessons. And yes, to make it complicated, they each are in separate classes for being in 3 different levels. Despite the spells of tiredness, it was a joy to watch them swim, smile, laugh and learn. I love watching them jump into the pool, kick their little legs and move their arms with each stroke, float and paddle through the water with grace and effort.  It is through being their for them, being with them in these moments, that makes being a mother, truly wonderful.

Afterwards, we visited my parents and ate my mom's yummy, home cooked noodle dishes and desserts. I chatted and caught up on how things are.  I love my mom. It's a pleasure to just to see her and visit my family.  The kids love it too as it's their only visit once per week play date with their cousins.  By 3 pm, a bit winded, and having errands to complete before the work week begins, we left.  Fatigue wearing me down, I quickly just picked up only a few grocery items and drove on home.
But, as tired as I was, I just couldn't resist hanging out with the kids, in our back yard, watching them play, ride their bikes, swing on the swing set, blow bubbles, pick flowers and slurp sweet ice cream on a cone.  With the beautiful, warm weather, this was a perfect day to hang out at home, being lazy in my PJs, to soak some rest and relaxation. Now, all I need is to get some lounging pool chairs so that I truly can just literally lounge instead of sit. I love these quiet, lazy days; being together as a family.  To make the day even more enjoyable, my hubby grilled steaks, links and apple sausages for dinner. Yummy. What a magical day.
I'm glad I didn't waste the day, whimpering and sleeping all day, curled bed. Not to say resting is bad, but I am just grateful that I was able to rest and be apart of my kids day. Lots of Love

Day 3 WBR - I am so Tired!

My 3rd session of WBR went smooth and quick. I was in and out. Except afterwards, I had to wait for the nurse to tell me about the side effects and management of it. She didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. She did mentioned that other than the chance of thinning of hair and perhaps even loosing my hair, that my ears may get red or look like a sunburn from the radiation beams. To manage it, she tells me  to apply certain lotions like Cetaphil after treatment.
Just before heading to speak with the nurse, since it's my 3rd day now, having seen familiar faces of patients, I chatted with some of the friendly patients there. I spoke with 2 ladies who each tell me of their own diagnosis and journey. Each have different cancers and they each have hope that they will recover. Lucky for them, certain cancers are so much more curable than others. Unlucky for me. Mine is incurable. Sigh.. We didn't chat for too long since each of us were called in.  But, it was nice to hear each patient's unique story and connect with other women who have cancer.

After treatment, as we drove back, it was near lunch time and a surge mixture of tiredness, fatigue and nausea hit me. I tried to take it easy and just ate a small bowl of soup for lunch.  But by 5 PM, I was ready to call it a day.  Thank goodness it was Friday and I have a break from treatment for the weekend.
After interacting with the kids, helping them with some Kumon, even the kids were beat and by 8 PM, we  were ready for bed. We read some bedtime stories and as the kids drifted off to sleep, it was finally a moment of downtime for me. I caught up with my reading of other's inspirational blogs.

I slept alright throughout the night. But, fatigue lingered. By morning and throughout the day, fatigue and nausea consumed me. Nevertheless, not wanting to miss out in my kids activities, I dragged myself to be apart of their day; watching my son in his baseball game, the girls' last recital hip hop dance class, Ellen's Sweet Heat T ball game, Kumon, their cousin A's 5th Birthday party and the girl's ballet class.  It's been a crazy, fun filled day as usual, packed with so much activities, love, happiness and joy; at least for the kids. I did squeeze in a much needed nap though just before the Birthday party so no worries.

 Now, it's almost 8 PM and I am overcome with exhaustion and fatigue. It's only been 3 WBR sessions and I already dread how much more of this I can handle. This is hell alright. Misery. Painful agony.  In a zombie like state, with fatigue overpowering me. So heading to bed now. Rest. Peace. Serenity. 3 down. 12 more sessions to go. Lots of Love.

Day 2 WBR

Right before bedtime last night, I suddenly started feeling the chills and yes, my head was still bothering me, pounding, hurting; only this time, it was becoming more of a headache.  To combat the chills, I curled in a cocoon of warm blankets.   But, wait.  Not just yet.  I am still a mom of three kids.  No rest just yet.  Before I can call it a night, I had to carry out my motherly duties, helping the kids get ready for bed and do my part in the nightly routine of reading bedtime stories.  Luckily, the internet is a wonderful, handy resource.  With great apps already downloaded, and bookmarks in place for the kids reading leisure, we quickly read books, and even audio books online using the awesome Ipad.

I slept alright, but still, my head did hurt throughout the night.  Not sure of what causing my head to throb.  It could be due to the WBR, the side effects from taking memantine (the  drug used to treat the symptoms of Alzheimer's disease ), the brain tumors itself or all of the above.  But, by morning, I felt so much better and readied myself for work.

Today was my day 2 or second session of WBR. It went fairly smooth. Fortunately, my carpool friend, C, whom I carpool with everyday to and from work, when I told him of my brain MRI results last week, kindly offered to take me to ALL of my WBR treatments (well, for the days I am at work technically).  It is nice to have supportive coworkers and friends.  Thank goodness for loving friends.

Today’s session was just like yesterday except it lasted only 5-10 minutes.  Except, now, I can distinctly note that I really dislike the bright beams of radiation striking through my head and eyes. And yes, even with my eyes, pressed firmly, doubly closed and tight, it did bother me.  Another thing I did notice was the “chlorine” burnt like stench that is released instantly by the radiation machine. Yuck.  Any longer, nausea would have hit and vomit would clearly be the output.

As we drove back to work, I did feel a little be winded, climbing up a few flight of stairs from the parking lot, towards my cube.  By then, it was near lunch time, and a wave of nausea started to creep in.  Double yuck.  I am glad it was short and quick.  2 sessions down, 13 more to go.  Lots of Love.

Day 1 of WBR

Day 1 of Whole Brain Radiation
This morning when I woke up, my head started to hurt. I can feel the tumors pounding through my brain. Not  like a headache, but a sense of dizziness and a sensation of little shots of achiness drumming through my head. My throat felt super dry too.  Not only that, my back started to ache also, like a jolt of pain would rippled through my back here and there periodically.  All this and I haven't even started the WBR yet. Scared. Worried. Definitely, all of these symptoms, makes me nervous of what lays ahead.

It's odd that a week ago, I felt great and now, the enormity of these brain tumors, of my cancer, it's hitting me hard. It's scary and sad to swallow all this in. Everything is happening too fast. Like a whirlwind, my life flashes before me.  Its unnerving to know that my mortality is starring right at me, knocking, scribbling my name.  Sigh, this disease really sucks.
And so, anticipating fatigue after my 1st WBR treatment later this afternoon, I kicked off my day this with a list of things to complete. I logged on to get some work done and also took care of taxes, mail and rescheduling a class for my son. I even picked up my prescription of memantine and took it before treatment. With my hubby taking care of the kids, I drove myself to Stanford.

Today's treatment, since it was my first go, took a little longer than the 5-10 minutes.  With set up and fitting  of my mask to keep my head still and the machine needing to take more images to align my head, all in all, the  entire treatment, took 20 minutes. I was pleasantly surprised how quick, simple and easy it was. I didn't have change clothes or "gown up" with hospital clothes or even had to take any meds, like a steriod. Whew. 1 down and 14 more to go. Here's to kicking the brain tumors. Well wishes and hopes, prayers that this WBR will knock all the tumors out for good. Lots of Love.

Results of Brain MRI - setback

After getting up way early in the morning at 6 AM last Wednesday, on 3/13/13 to drive up to Stanford for my 7 AM appointment for the my routine 3 month brain MRI follow up scan and checkup, I was saddened to receive the devastating news that the cancer in my brain is now back. What a set back. Disappointment, disbelief. Immediately, I quietly held back the tears that would have engulfed and overwhelmed me. Calmly with every effort, I  intelligently asked what treatment options and side effects would be.
Looking at the MRI images side by side from Dec 2012 to March 2013, the team of doctors (all 3 doctors, Dr. G, Dr. D, and Dr. C), all pointed out the 5 new tumor spots that are popping up now. With my own eyes, we looked through each scan and counted all 5 spots. Their overwhelming recommendation  was, whole brain radiation (WBR). They continued with telling me, "We held out not doing this whole brain radiation last year," and now, this time, this would be the most ideal time to choose this option, as this would be the most effective option. Since last year, I've already had 2 Cyberknife treatments and new spots are now coming up every 3 to 6 months, Dr. G says, so, "whole brain would be more effective at treating and preventing anymore future tumor spots that the MRI is not able to pick up."
The side effects, well, I already knew, hair loss, fatigued and in some small percentage of patients, a chance of cognitive, memory loss, especially verbal memory and skin rash.  To prevent the memory loss, they tell me about prescribing me this drug call memantine (Namenda).  This drug according to the NCI (National Cancer Instititue), has already been approved to help improve cognition in some patients with dementia and also may limit declines in memory and cognitive function in patients who are undergoing whole-brain radiation therapy (WBRT) to treat cancer that has spread to the brain.

Feeling overwhelmed , shock and sadness, by 11 AM, I headed onwards to complete a few errands and taking my kids to Kumon and baseball/teeball practice at our local little league. Again, I feel a sense of hopelessness.  It's awful, this disease.  So, WBR it is. By midday, I told the news to my hubby and a few friends. I also readily planned ahead and dialed into the local American Cancer Society to get information on where I can pick up and get fitted for a wig. Stanford has free wig pick ups on the first Thursdays of each month. But, my treatment is starting tomorrow. I am a planner and preparer.  Swiftly, I dialed a few places for free wigs in anticipation of loosing my hair in the next few weeks.

3 weeks treatment or 15 WBR treatments
The treatment plan is that I will get 15 sessions or 3 weeks of back to back treatment.  Treatment would last anywhere from 5 - 10 minutes per day. I've already started the fitting of the mask and images yesterday and my first official treatment kicks off tomorrow. I made calls into Dr. N, my primary oncologist.  And surprisingly, I am allowed to continue taking Xalkori during this WBR radiation treatment. At first, I was told to hold off talking it and resume it afterwards, but we agreed today to give it a try to continue for this week and see.  I will have to do a follow up check in with Dr. Neal next Friday and we'll discuss more about whether to continue it while I'm halfway through the WBR treatment.  

Onwards
Having what I have, I know to expect the unexpected. It's hell. But, I keep living life to fullest. Enjoy every moment. Living for each and everyday. Lots of Love.

Happy Birthday to my Daughter Ellen

At last, a free moment to catch up and to update to all my friends, followers and family on what's been going on. Happy belated Chinese New Year's. Welcome and hello to the Year of the Snake. On the eve of Chinese New Year's, after the kids regular dance/soccer, piano and Kumon, we went to the local temple, to say prayers and well wishes for a healthy, peaceful, prosperous and happy new 2013 year. I lighted some incense while the kids played and said some prayers themselves.  I prayed hard and thank the great Gods from above for watching over me and keeping me and my family safe.

Since the start of the 2013 year, I'm just getting busier and busier with life, work, kids, and keeping up with everything. Yesterday, we celebrated my beautiful daughter, Ellen's turning 5th Birthday bash with lots of family, friends and kids. It was a wonderful, big party. Truly magical.  We had Ellen dressed up in her fairy Rapunzel dress, wearing her Princess Birthday crown and sash. We had a friend jump start her party with an amazing Chinese lion dance, blessing us and the kids for continued healthy, happy year. For all the kids enjoyment, we had face painting, a magician, a combo slide huge castle princess themed jumper, pinata, and a beautiful, delicious Cinderella cake, and lots of laughter and fun. Thanks everyone, for celebrating Ellen's Birthday with us.  Here's to creating more amazing , precious memories.

Health Update:
Just 2 weeks ago, I went to see Dr. N at Stanford and all labs turned out great! I had a scan about a month ago and the results came showed great news. I'm so happy for the positive results.  I'll have another brain MRI scan this coming week and follow appointment this Wed with the Neurosurgeon, Dr. C to find the results.  Aaurgh, another anxious day again. Hoping for good news.

Kids activities
Outside of work and doctor appointments, life as a mom of three kids keeps us really, really busy. With three kids going to 3 separate schools, I squeeze every ounce of time and energy, and cherish all the moments of being their for them; to celebrate with them and to be apart of their lives in every way I can. Right before work to right after work, I nurture, teach and instill in them all the life lessons to be successful adults.  I tell them about working hard towards the things they like and to start thinking about the value of spending. I coach them to have good manners, and to tell to them all them the values towards working hard in school and in life.
Daily, I nurture to each of their own likes, discoveries, talents and love of art, music and sports and or recreational activities. I work hard at keeping their lives, routines and joys as normal and as joyful as can be. From swimming to soccer, to baseball/TBall, to piano, hip hop dance, ballet/jazz dance classes, and to academic studies, they keep me busy.  More to share on Ellen and Ethan's fantastic start of their little league baseball later.

Letter to Ellen - Happy 5th Birthday! You are so Precious and loved
Happy Birthday sweetheart. Ellen, you are getting so smart and more beautiful. I can't believe you are 5 years old already when it was just like yesterday when I held you as a baby in my arms. Over the last 4 years, you've grown so smart, witted and talented with dancing, singing, reading and being so funny with your great sense of humor. You bring laughter and joy to the world with your jokes, comments and fun personality. Just last months, you kept insisting you wanted to learn the piano, you started your first piano lesson and loved it and so lessons soon, it will be coming your way.  You proudly showed off your talent to the world through singing, dancing, lip syncing to song lyrics, all the while picking all your favorite songs to sing from.Mommy's Ipad.  At age 3, you loved eating lots of food, even Burger King's whopper and now, you still do, but less as we don't eat fast food much. At age 4, you know what it means to eat healthy and even telling us to pack you "healthy" snacks.
You love going to preschool as soon as you turned 3 and didn't even cry on your first day. Through your auntie Karen, Mommy wrote into a local Montessori preschool scholarship entry and you were granted the wonderful gift of learning. A little shy at first since you have a very cautious, careful attitude, you've grown infinitely smarter and know exactly how to pick out your clothes, dresses to match your outfits as well as tell stories. You love to use your imagination and make up stories and play pretend with your brother, Ethan and baby sister, Emma.
Now, in a "Kinder ready" class, where you go 5 days per week, you are so delighted to make friends and deepen your "forever friends" friendship bonds with the girls from your preschool, dance class, and recently, your Tball, "Sweet Heat" all girls softball team.
You've passed your recent Kumon reading and math tests, scoring 90% and finished in it 8 out of 10 minutes. Even before starting Kindergarten, you know your sight words and are beginning to do addition.  You've even started to love to play sports as well in addition to your love of dance, music and arts.
This 5th Birthday, you happily wore your Princess Birthday crown and sash all day, proudly soaking in the  spotlight of your exciting day! Happy 5th Birthday Ellen, you will always be Mommy's princess.  We love you so much and will always be there for you.