It's been so cold and cloudy lately. The needed rain has finally trickled down but it's not pouring so heavy as it should be. Even with the chilly like weather, somehow my kids never like to wear sweaters or jackets nor even blankets at night. Unlike them, I'm always bundled warm in a jacket, even at home when the heater is on. Perhaps with a weaken immune system and with chemo, I'm always cold or get easily cold.
Last night as I was catching up on lung cancer info, I came across a few other cancer information. I realized that no matter what type of cancer someone has, once you have advanced, metastasized non curable, terminal cancer, the pains, the sorrows, the sadness is the same. My sadness has grown to more acceptance of my untimely fate. I know that in life, all of us are terminal and that death is apart of the circle of life. It's still hard to face it though knowing that my time here is still too short to head down this unexpected path. With my kids still so young, having this cancer diagnoses feels unjust and incomplete since I need to be here to teach, protect and raise my kids into responsible, mature, successful adults.
With this, I've also been thinking that hopefully when and if I'm not here, that my kids will have another "motherly" figure later to help care, watch over, protect and teach my kids since every kid deserves a loving mother to help guide them through the growing years. If not, I'm hoping my family and some good, close friends will step in and help be apart of their lives, providing good role models for them to look after.
Work
On this note, next month will be the exact 1 year anniversary of my diagnosis. It'll also be a time that I'd also have to return back to work so that I can continue to have my medical and insurance benefits or else we'd loose it all. Returning back to work, it's been a topic that I'm so ambivalent about. On the one hand, besides the benefits, I also do want so much to lead a "normal" life with a job. Many lung cancer survivors do eventually head back to work to lead full, normal lives. On the other hand, with this cancer, my purpose now is to spend all my time with my kids and family. Kids grow up so fast and my time now is so precious with them, that I can't just simply look the other way and focus on work. Time. It's the only thing I can cling onto to have more off. But, the trick I've learned with benefits is that once I do return back to work, I can always head back out onto another medical leave if needed, and things would reset back like it was and I wouldn't have to lose out on the benefits. I'm glad to know this and so I'm sort of looking back to being a contributor and working again. Wish me well. Lots of Love.
Last night as I was catching up on lung cancer info, I came across a few other cancer information. I realized that no matter what type of cancer someone has, once you have advanced, metastasized non curable, terminal cancer, the pains, the sorrows, the sadness is the same. My sadness has grown to more acceptance of my untimely fate. I know that in life, all of us are terminal and that death is apart of the circle of life. It's still hard to face it though knowing that my time here is still too short to head down this unexpected path. With my kids still so young, having this cancer diagnoses feels unjust and incomplete since I need to be here to teach, protect and raise my kids into responsible, mature, successful adults.
With this, I've also been thinking that hopefully when and if I'm not here, that my kids will have another "motherly" figure later to help care, watch over, protect and teach my kids since every kid deserves a loving mother to help guide them through the growing years. If not, I'm hoping my family and some good, close friends will step in and help be apart of their lives, providing good role models for them to look after.
Work
On this note, next month will be the exact 1 year anniversary of my diagnosis. It'll also be a time that I'd also have to return back to work so that I can continue to have my medical and insurance benefits or else we'd loose it all. Returning back to work, it's been a topic that I'm so ambivalent about. On the one hand, besides the benefits, I also do want so much to lead a "normal" life with a job. Many lung cancer survivors do eventually head back to work to lead full, normal lives. On the other hand, with this cancer, my purpose now is to spend all my time with my kids and family. Kids grow up so fast and my time now is so precious with them, that I can't just simply look the other way and focus on work. Time. It's the only thing I can cling onto to have more off. But, the trick I've learned with benefits is that once I do return back to work, I can always head back out onto another medical leave if needed, and things would reset back like it was and I wouldn't have to lose out on the benefits. I'm glad to know this and so I'm sort of looking back to being a contributor and working again. Wish me well. Lots of Love.
I'm sure there are many stages for what a person goes through, especially with challenges like yours. Even so, you probably know more about life than most of us...
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