My Nanny tossed out my Aloe Vera & then Quit

Down the Drain
The last few days including today has been so stressful with me trying to be patient and handle the incidents as best as I can.  One of the most major upsetting events that happened was about my part time nanny. It all started yesterday around 3:30 PM.  As usual, by the time she gets here, I've already fed the kids and they are usually napping.  So with really nothing to do, she tried to keep busy by trying to clean up as I was at my computer.  Well, before I knew it, unbeknownst to me, without telling or asking me, she started to toss away stuff along with my monthly supply of my all natural, puree Aloe Vera juice. Literally in seconds, she poured down the drain all my monthly supplies of Aloe Vera! After she drained the containers empty, she then asked me what I wanted to do with the bottles.  OMG.  I was so upset at her. I cried my heart out that she was this careless to not even ask before dumping it all out.  I didn't yell at her but really just cried and was hurt this all happened. I mean, this is part of my all natural cancer fighting treatment that I drink daily to help fight the cancer.
To my upsetness, she basically just laughed and smirked and acted very lightly of it.  She plainly didn't understand the significance and hurt of what she did even when I told her that that was part of my medical treatment regimen. She does know of my condition but just forgot to ask.  She didn't apologize nor she reacted kindly, but simply brushed it off as blamed it on me for not telling her ahead of time.  She repeated this over and over and turned all around. It was so frustrating.
In any case, I just told her in the future to ask before tossing any medicines or herbal drink down. I really didn't yell or acted mean towards her at all. I was concerned about our lack of communication and also worry about her also throwing away my Tarceva too. I mean, if she is this careless, anything can happen. Its not a mistake that we can have repeated again.

Nanny Quit
So after this incident, this morning I got a call from her stating that effective immediately that she was quitting and said something about it was due to her husband being sick and she needed to take care of him. This is all of her BS of course.  She didn't need to soften the truth or made lies or excuses in order to quit.  Actually, I would have much rather appreciate the honest truth that she feared making more future mistakes like yesterday and it was best to resign . That would be short, sweet, direct and simple.
But, we both knew the truth and with that I had to move on with handling the day’s routine and quickly think of reaching out with calls to my former babysitters for their help.

It's too bad this whole accidental incident and lack of communication happened.  If it weren't for the kids who love her, I wouldn't have begged her to change her mind.  Still, she refused.  Partly also, I didn't want to have to go back to square one again, start another round of interviews and hire a new nanny all over again. Training a new nanny takes a lot of time and effort as well as building that trust and care takes time.

Acting quickly, I made some calls and now have found another part time replacement nanny who had worked for us just recently in the past. She will start tomorrow.  Hooray! I hope it works out.  She's super nice, very strong and so efficient too.  Like all the nannies we have hire, we do tell them of my condition and she knows too.  She was able to help stay within the same budget so I'm so happy that she will be helping us out.

Options for Aloe Vera
With my monthly supply all dumped down the drain, and with the herbal family who grows, grinds and freezes them into bottles, giving this freely to patients like me, but they are out of town for a month, my mom says she will look into either buying the plant and or growing them for me and juicing it up.  This is so nice of my parents to do this. They are being so supportive and I'm so thankful for their love and support. As always, let's continue to hope Aloe Vera and Tarceva helps fight off this cancer and for a speedy, healthy recovery.

Day1 of Tarceva, Moving, Worries

Tarceva: Day One
After picking up Tarceva yesterday evening, I took one pill of it after 2-3 hours after dinner, right before I head to bed and today, I'm starting to feel better. This is a good sign I think. Somehow, today, I'm not feeling so weak and not needing to lie down and rest all the time like the last few days. Could it take immediate effect that quickly? I hope its due to Tarceva and our prayers that I'm feeling better.  I hope it continues to help although my Doctor did tell me that the side effects will show up in about a week.

Packing and Moving
Now that we have a tenant who will be moving in Aug 1, we need to start getting boxes to pack and move during this month of July. We also have to rent a few of those portable storage units too since the place we're planning to move in won't be ready. We may be staying with friends. 
Having already moved two times already this year, it's still a pain to pack up and move. We have to start soon. We'll have to hire movers and also try to get family and friends to help us too if possible.
As usual, my life is always constantly filled with lots of busy work, planning and business to tend to all the time on top of caring for the kids. 

Worries
With so much business and day to day kids and household coordination and future planning that I maintain now, there isn't a day that I don't worry about how the kids will be and how things will get efficiently done if I am not here.  It's a good thing that my husband helps me out alot and I'm sure he will do fine. But, still it's alot of work for one person and like the saying goes, it takes a "whole village" to raise kids. Mostly, I am saddened with the possibility that I may not be here to help see my kids grow and mature. I try not to think about this but it's still thoughts that crosses my mind. With this, let's continue to hope for the very best and recovery.

Taking Tarceva, SSI Interview

Finally Got Tarceva
Just received a call from my Dr's office and they said my Tarceva was all already all set and approved from insurance. In fact, it was approved awhile ago and the reason it was denied because this particular retail pharmacy wasn't in the network of my insurance. To quickly solve this issue, all I had to do was transfer it over to another local retail pharmacy within network and within the hour, I was able to pick it up! Yay, at least now, I can start my treatment.
Now, I'm just concerned about the side effects it will cause on me. I hope it will be easy on my system and it will do a miracle!

Got Approval from CD Fund
Good news to share as I got co pay assistance approval from Chronic Fund. The downside is that the pharmacy couldn't get register my ID from the organization due it being closed by the time I came to pick up Tarceva. So, I had to prepay the copay portion and they said they will reimburse it once they get payment from Chronic Disease fund.  My Co Pay turns out to be not too bad as we thought, costing about $50! Yay, what a relief, it's not as high as $500 because there is a maximum cap co pay that CD will allow for the year.

SSI Interview tomorrow
With my submission of Social Security Disability application last week, I got a called from the office and I am scheduled to bring in documents and proof of records for my SSI interview tomorrow.  I'm a little nervous and hope it will go smoothly.  Hopefully they don't reject me based on their perception of looks that I look ok.  You the know the saying, "perception is reality."  But I have my records to show as proof so that should help.

Fun in Santa Cruz, Financial Plannning, First Day of Class

Visiting Friends

 

This past weekend the kids and I did a nice drive down to Santa Cruz to have lunch with my friends.  We had a great time hanging out there. It was so wonderful to see my friends whom I haven't seen for a few months since I stopped working. So, thank you M, for inviting us and cooking great yummy Thai food. They were a great help with playing with this kids as I caught a bite to eat.
Since we were already in Santa Cruz, we also stopped by another friend's place for a nice, fun visit before we head on home.  Here are some pictures of the kids. It was a great day, but a little bit exhausting for me as it's a lot of work caring for all three by myself.

Financial Planning
We just also started our financial planning for the kids and for future needs.  I'm glad we are now finally getting around to doing this as I'd really would like to nail down on the kids college planning, emergency fund, life insurance and many other such financial planning. It's a little too late for me to get term life and or such additional life insurance, but at least we can plan for the kids and get started to set a side some funds for other future financial needs. 

First Day of Class for Ellen
Ellen did terrific on both her first day of classes for her dance lessons and on her tiny tots preschool program.  She's never attended class for anything before on her own and so being left alone in a class without her parents scared her.  At first she was excited and thrilled to attend her class but as soon as her Dad left, she cried out for him to come get her.  In the end, her teacher said she did terrific. When asked if she liked school and her dance lesson, she said she really enjoyed it and is excited to come back for more.

When all went to take Ellen to her dance class, Emma also participated in the class.  She wants to do everything her older sister is doing.  It was nice that the instructor allowed her to join.  So here is video of Emma taking part in the class.  She did great for a 1 year old in a class for 3 year olds.

Still Waiting for Tarceva
Well, it's already Monday and I'm still awaiting approval for Tarceva.  Without treatment, I'm back to feeling really awful, weak and feeling the cancer's debilitating destructiveness. I'm hoping to hear back from the pharmacy soon so that I can begin this treatment regimen. It's supposedly a miracle drug that has wonders for many similar Lung cancer patients.  Its done great wonders for this Bay Area Asian, Non smoker Opera singer who were diagnosed with the same stage 4 NSC Lung Cancer as me.  She's truly a miracle survivor and fighter.  The Tarceva did amazing wonders to shrink her tumors when she too was given a dire 6 months prognosis to live.  Read her story and view her video at http://www.lungcancerfoundation.org/2010/12/15/zheng-cao-featured-on-great-america/.
Hopefully, this Tarceva drug will do the same healing powers to shrink the tumors on me! Let's pray it will!

Feeling Cold, Expensive Drug, New Tenants

Dressed Warm
It's been about over a month now since I have had any treatment. The last time I had chemo was well over a month ago.  Last week and this week, with my platelet counts being low and my bone marrow showing signs it has had enough of chemo, my Dr has switched me over to Tarceva which we hope it will be effective against the cancer. So with the prescription all set to go, he wants me to start this treatment plan right away.  However, it's not that simple to just pick this drug up from a local retail pharmacy even if I have a prescription and insurance. This Tarceva drug turns out to be extremely expensive, like $5,000.00 per monthly supply! I've been told I can't get it since they need pre-approval and pre-screening paperwork from my Doctor and insurance authorization.  My copay portion I've been told could also be upwards of $500 to $1,000! Geeze, that's an awful lot
Luckily, I've already applied for copay assistance with several cancer treatment non profit organizations to see what I can help with.  One of them is with http://www.cdfund.org/.  This is such a great organization as their purpose is "to improve the health and quality of life of patients battling chronic disease, cancer or other life-altering conditions who cannot afford the medications they so desperately need." Let's hope I get approval for co pay assistance.
Hopefully, I can pick up this medication soon as I've been feeling the cancer making me feel weak and cold. 
For the past 2 weeks, even though it's been such nice, beautiful, warm weather and the temperature is like 80 to 82 degrees Fahrenheit, I've been feeling so cold.  I've had to dress warm and bundled up with sweaters all day long.

Specifically, my chest, the area where I've had a pericardial window surgically done around my heart wall , I've been feeling the tingling, burning, flow off coldness or cold sensation. It's an awful, uncomfortable, weakening feeling. I'm wondering if this is the cancerous tumor or lymph node near my heart wall that is causing this and its doing its damage by releasing fluid.  Let's hope this is not the case.  Let's hope and pray that Tarceva will help fight off this cancer and allow me to be healthy again.

New Tenants Found
Good news to share.  With all my hard work in marketing, advertising, and making appointments to showcase the home we are renting, we finally have firmed up new tenants to sign on new lease! Yay! This is such great news for us as this now frees us to continue forward with looking for a home purchase.  We'll be meeting with the home owner soon to sign us off on our lease terms and free us from our obligation.  I'm so happy that he's allowed us to do this and so we're thankful for him for working with us.  We're excited to now move forward with the next chapter of our new home.

No More Chemo, Results of CT Scan, Dance Class Starts

Latest CT Scan Result
Good news from my latest CT scans. My latest Chest, Abdomen and hip scan shows that the tumors are stable or slightly decreased. Specifically, here's what it states:

1. "Interval decreased lymphangitic carcinomatosis in right lung, primary ill defined mass in the right lower lobe is grossly stable in size...the tumor mass in right lung measures approximately 2.1 x 2 cm, slightly decreased in right lung."
2. "Multiple sclerotic bone metastases, several are slightly increased in size and degree..this likely represents a continued healing response."
3. "Interval resolution of glass nodule in lower lobe of left lung with continued decrease in the degree of scattered nodules throughout left lung.  Findings suggest an inflammatory or infectious etiology measuring 5-mm."
4. "No new suspicious nodules or masses are seen."
5. On the areas around my heart, it shows "stable subcarinal mass measuring 2.2 x 3.5 cm on coronal images" and several mediastinal lymph nodes are stable when compared to prior exam.  This means, other than my lungs, the tumors that are presently around my heart are stable when compared to previous images taken.

So, all around the results show stable condition or slight decreased tumor growth. That means the chemo helped and our prayers are working towards my recovery. Yay! This is great news. Let's continue our prayers for more continued good news and good healing. Thank you everyone for your continued support and let's keep up our hopes and positive thoughts.
I still can't believe that I have all these bad "nodules" or tumors in body, especially around my heart. It's a sad reality and reminder that I have to keep on fighting and praying for better results as my condition is pretty bad even though in spirit, my mind still thinks and acts like young at heart, like a typical, normal, active busy 35 year old, aside from the aches and back pains.

Updated Treatment Plan
With my bones showing signs of scar tissues and giving me aches and pains as well as my labs indicating my body has had enough of chemo, my Dr has discussed switching me over to the Tarceva treatment plan.  I've discussed with him my concerns of the side effects and he states overall, those sides effects are very rare and that the most likely side effect would be the rash and or diarrhea, which I can use moisturizers and or over the counter Immodium to help. 
As for me not having the EGFR marker, he says, that's just one marker that they commonly test for to indicate an exact matching for Tarceva, but that I could potentially have other markers that they are still learning about. He says Tarceva in other clinical studies show it has helped many patients similarly to me that are Asian, young, non smokers and that those who have taken it, it has dramatically reduced the tumor growth and have greatly extended their life expectancy.  Let's hope this will be the miracle drug for me!

So, I'm glad to be ending the Chemo treatment and let's hope this Tarceva will work for me.  We'll find in two months as another round of CT scans will be done to see how it effective it will be.  Let's hope it will shrink all the tumors!

Princess Ballet Starts this Sat
So my daughter Ellen, who is 3 years old will be starting her Princess Ballet class this Sat!  She's also starting her Tiny Tots preschool half day 5 days a week program starting next Monday as well.  She's super excited to embark on her new adventure in dancing lessons and meeting other kids her own age at preschool. We'll take picture to share her experience once she starts her program.
So again, hurray for the good news! Thank you everyone for your continued support, letters, cards and emails. I really enjoy reading your comments and let's keep up our good hopes, prayers and energy for improved results in 2 months. 
With that, here are some more recent pictures and videos of my kids playing.

Stanford Dr Appointment, Genetic Markers, Social Security, Long Term Disability

Will find out Results today
Today, I will be going to the Stanford Cancer Center and as usual, do my blood count draw, see my Doctor and will find out the results of my CT scan results as well as undergo the possibility of another round of chemo. I'm so nervous to see what the results will be. I've been feeling a little better, still weak but  my voice has started to slowly come back but it's still somewhat crackly and raspy.  This whole routine is very exhausting and long as the whole day consists of lots of waiting around. 
But, I am so glad my Dad will be driving me and being there with me.  My Dad has been so great throughout this process. He's been taking me and driving me to almost all of my lab and Dr appointments.  I'm so glad my Dad is here for me so thank you Dad for all your love and support.  It's been tough for my parents to have to see me go through this. It breaks their heart to see me endure any pain and to be diagnosed with this terminal illness.

Don't have any Genetic Markers
Unfortunately for me, all the genetic markers that have been done on my biopsy shows I do not genetically carry any markers or mutations that qualifies me for most of the latest Non Small Cell Lung Cancer Targeted therapy or treatment.  So the latest news and treatments like Crizotinib, http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/06/110603151842.htm may not be effective as I test negative for the ALK gene.

However, Tarceva may work if the results today show that after receiving Chemo and it indicates that my cancer is stable or it has spread just a little, treatments like Tarceva, by chance may work.  Here's what this article says, http://www.tarceva.com/patient/considering/about.jsp?cid=tar_we_F001035_P000517&c=MBTCLC1007&gclid=CNyO1O31yakCFQg_bAodixbYOQ
As it states, "Tarceva is prescribed for patients with advanced-stage non-small cell lung cancer (NSCLC) whose cancer has spread or grown after receiving at least 1 chemotherapy."
But reading further, this treatment has many major side effects such as liver and kidney damage, lung disease and other skin, rash symptoms and even death. It's scary. 
Let's pray for good news today.

Social Security and Long Term Disability
Now that my short term disability is ending, I've been told that I have to apply for Social Security and Long Term disability.  In a letter I received, it states that if I do get approved for long term disability, that my first check will be in the amount of "$470.18" and that this will remain my "gross monthly benefit until you return to work."  What? $470 per month? Oh gosh, this is barely enough to pay for our monthly Minivan gas bill which is a gas guzzler, since it costs almost $90 just to fill up the tank per week, not considering insurance and maintenance.

As for Social Security, I have to start calling and applying soon. This whole process of applying is so tedious as there is so much paper work. I wish it was simpler and easier without so much red tape. Well, let's hope it will go smoothly and I get approved.  As in life, nothing is easy.  Applying for Federal Social Security and disability income takes effort and I will make every effort to do so as a means to provide for my kids and family.

Love for my Kids
Whether I receive go news or not today, I am still going to stay strong and will keep fighting this cancer.  I just have to be positive and leave the miracle healing powers to GOD. No matter what Doctors say, nothing will change the love and joy for my kids as I spend all my time with them.  As I battle this disease, my goal everyday has not changed as I make every effort to live my life to the fullest and make every attempt to live as normal, functional and with lots of love and hope.  Let's continue to pray for GOD's healing powers and miracle.

Father's Day Dinner, More Scans, Kids Waiting at Stanford, Chicken Pot Pie

Father's Day Cheers

We had a fabulous Father's day yesterday. We started the day out by taking the kids to a Sunday church BBQ at the nearby Edenvale Park. The kids had so much fun seeing their friends and playing in the playground, while I also caught up with some friends who continues to pray for us.

We packed the whole day filled with more fun as we visited my parents, ran some errands to get the girls some more dresses, went to Lowes for some home improvement ideas and even went out to a nice Father's Day dinner at Macaroni Grill. 

The kids loved dinner and did so well waiting.  Here are some pictures of them playing as we waited for dinner and them toasting their Dad, Cheers and wishing him a Happy Father's Day!

More CT Scans today
So last week, with my counts being low, I didn't qualify for chemo. Since my babysitter did a no show, I had to take the girls with me to my Doctor appointment at Stanford.  Luckily, my Dad came along to help me watch the girls as I went to see him.  Here they are having a good time playing with one another as we waited to see my Dr .

My Dr. has agreed to stop the Zumeta treatment and has discussed some other treatment options like possibly switching over to the Tarceva chemo in a pill even though I do not have the EGFR mutation. He says it doesn't hurt to try since it may help me.  This concerns me a bit since it sounds like a trial and error treatment option.  He wants to try this because he is concerned that my current chemo may not be as effective due to my hips and back pain worsening since February.  He's worry that my cancer may be "spreading" more to my bones wants to be extra cautious to prevent any further bone spread or bone mestastizes.  With that, he has schedule me for a CT chest, abdomen and hip scan today.

Let's hope and pray that the results will turn out good. I'm nervous as usual.  Hopefully, it shows signs of recovery.  We'll find results soon this week as I have to come back again to Stanford for another round of labs, Dr appointment and another attempt at receiving my chemo treatment.  Let's cross our fingers and pray for good news.

Dinners by our Friend

For the past months,  one of our good friends has opened her hearts to us and has been a big help in cooking us fantastic dinners.  Being a busy mom herself of 2 wonderful kids and working full time, she and her husband still manage to cook and bring to us home cooked dinners almost a few times a month.  Here is a picture of her fabulous Chicken Pot Pie. Her cooking is the best!  There's nothing like home cooking. The kids and us just love her and her family dearly.  Thank you so much BC for your ever yummy home cook meals. Thank you for always thinking of us and having our kids play with your kids too at your beautiful home as well! 

Monhtly Chemo Appointments, Finding new Tenants

Today is my every 3 weeks Dr appointment with my Thoracic oncologist. I'm still fighting off this sore throat and still have not gotten my regular voice back. I sound terrible, like an elderly senior woman with a broken coarse, rough voice and sort of feel like one since I have such bad, painful back and hip pains.  Seriously, I can't believe this is happening since I'm still so young and my mind still thinks and act like an active 35 year old.
However, in reality, since my cancer has metastasize to my lower and middle spinal back as well as my hips, lately, I can barely easily get up or walk around actively without pain or ever slow aching effort.  It's terrible that my kids see me this way as I painfully juggle with every movement to get up and move around. When the pain is awful and unmanageably bad, I just take a Tylenol as I really dislike taking any other stronger pain medications like Vicodin. With all effort, I avoid taking anything stronger.  Pain medications that are in the narcotic family just do not do well with me since it makes me feel loopy and causes constipation.
I hope my Dr will find better treatment options for me to be more pain free so that I can have a better quality of life.  Hopefully, he will suggest a treatment plan that will help ease my bone and back pain.  I need to be pain free and be more active as the kids are so excited to go on our family San Diego vacation soon in August.

Looking for new Tenants
Since we're still house hunting, we're also faced with the obligation to find new tenants to sign on a new lease of our rental home.  It's a daunting task for us to worry about as we can't be faced with having to pay for two homes once we close escrow on a house.  So our goal now is find new tenants on our existing home and we'll go from there.  I've started to advertise in hopes of finding new tenants soon.  Here are some pictures I took to showcase the rental home.  View it at http://www.flickr.com//photos/31415274@N05/sets/72157626836739241/show/

Possibly Chemo tomorrow or Next Week
With every routine Dr visit, I also get my labs done to see if my body is OK with receiving another round of chemo.  If everything goes well today, I may be getting my fifth chemo infusion tomorrow.  If not, as usual, I have to come back next week to see if I am able to receive it.  Receiving chemo is an arduous process, but it's part of the process to help my recovery and fight.  So let's hope and pray for the very best.

With that, here's a prayer that my pastor wrote up for me this week: "Lord, I am feeling so poorly.  You know what is attacking my body.  You can see everything.  I ask you in praying, right now, to fill me with your healing light.  Banish the sickness from my body. Fill me with your Presence, draw me into your healing powers and help cure me." Amen.

Flower Dress & New Suit, Legacy Video, Relaxing

Ethan & Ellen in Sister's Upcoming July Wedding

With eager and splendid anticipation , Ethan and Ellen are looking forward to participating in my youngest sister, Kim and Darren's upcoming July summer outdoor wedding to be held at the beautiful Fremont Ardenwood Historic Farm.  We got Ethan his nice suit with lavender tie and he says he can't wait to wear it and look handsomely cute in it!  And Ellen, she absolutely loves her white flower dress that she already wants to wear it everyday!  Emma's dress is also so cute and adorable that we are sure Ellen will want to wear hers too! We'll be sure to take lots of photos and video that day for them to treasure timelessly.  We're all happily looking forward in celebrating in that joyous, special event and will post pictures to share with everyone.

Legacy Video Almost Done

With the ease of headphones, I finally got a chance to review and watch my legacy video DVD that LifeChronicles http://lifechronicles.org/ nicely did for us.  They are such an incredible non profit organization and their work and service to the community is amazing.  We can't thank them enough for their talent and service.  I am so grateful that they came out as soon as they could to do my legacy video so that my story is captured forever for my kids to watch in the future.  It's still a work in progress as I will be sending them some more photos and family video to add to my legacy video.

Dog Walks, Downtime

Since I'm feeling so much better today combined with such nice sunny, warm weather that we took time out to walk our 2 dogs and the girls for a nice stroll walk in our neighborhood.  The girls had fun playing in the yard while I relaxed in the sun.  I'm just loving the quality time with my family and looking forward to lots more good times ahead. 

 

Letters to My Kids

Legacy Letters
With a little bit of free time, I've managed to start writing letters to my kids.  Below is the start of my first letter of many that I will be writing to them.  I have so much to explain, advice to give and wisdom to share to all my kids.  Recently I started reading a book by Maya Angelo, called Letter to my Daughter so that I can be inspired from her work. 

I know this letter is long, but I'd thought I'd share it with everyone so that you know how much I love my kids.  I hope they don't mind it as it's just my way to shout out loud to the whole word, my true love and care for my kids.  These letters will be sort of "Legacy letters" which will be given to them when they are old enough to read.  My goal is write to them as many letters as I can to help them navigate through life.

Dear Ethan, Ellen, Emma,

I’ve been planning to write to all of you ever since your Father and I have found out from Doctors that Mommy is sick.  If you are reading this, I hope all three of you are old enough now to understand what happened to Mommy and are ready to know that even though Mommy is not here that Mommy loves you all very  much.  Know that each of you will always be in Mommy’s heart. 

I am sorry that I am not here now to be here with you and watch you grow but Mommy did try all she can to fight to be here but cancer is mysterious and it’s no fault of anyone’s that I’m not here.  I am sorry that you have to go through this loss and have to experience grief and death at such young ages.  Please know that we all prayed for a miracle. Everyone including you, Ethan and Ellen, helped prayed daily and that everyone also, our family, friends and even community members from all over the area and country also helped prayed for Mommy’s miracle to happen so that I can be here with you for a long time.  A miracle did happen along the way since Mommy was able to spend every minute onward, from February 2011 onwards to be with you at every moment until now.  The time we spent together has been amazing and a blessing. 

I wanted to tell each of you that I love you all so very much it hurts.  Each one of you is so very special to Mommy and every moment that I was able to hold you, hug you and share with you, from the time you were born to the very moment I left, has been so full of joy and happiness.  I am so blessed to have you in my life, for the bond I have for each of you as a Mother has been the greatest, most special love and gift ever.  Remember my love for you always and use Mommy’s love as a source of strength to lean on when you need it.

I wish I can be here forever to see each of you grow up to incredible, mature, successful adults but know that  if I am not that I will always be there for you in your hearts.  Please don’t be overcome with sadness when you find out that Mommy’s not here.  It’s ok to let your feelings of sadness and grief out for a little bit, don’t keep it all bottled inside.  Cry when you need to so that you can feel better. But, don’t be overwhelm with sadness and don’t shutdown.  My wish for each one of you and your Father is to continue on living life with as much joy and happiness.  Continue to follow your dreams, do what bring you inner peace, joy, happiness and always, follow your dreams and aspirations. 

Remember that life is beautiful.  Continue to work hard at everything you want to achieve. Dream big dreams for Mommy and strive for the very best that life has to offer. 

Along the path to success in life, each of you will experience your own mistakes, heartbreaks or disappointments but don’t let these stop you from growing stronger for these experiences will help you grow.  See any pains you will experience as rites of passage or growing pains that will teach you valuable life lessons to help you mature into great individuals.

Everything in life has its own lifetime or destiny and purpose. So know that Mommy’s life had its time and purpose too.  Specifically, being the best Mother that I can be to each of you has always been the meaning to Mommy’s life.  Know that I have always prioritized each of you on the top of the list of everyday and in everything.  From the moment that each of you were born into this world, Mommy did all she could to help provide for you with all the love, comforts, security, opportunities and happiness that life has to offer.

Each of you, now ages, 1, 3 and 4 years old are all so special and sweet to hug, held and love. You are all so very young and beautiful.  I know it’s hard for you to grasp what is happening to Mommy but know that everything that could be done is being done for more time to be around you.  In the hopes of explaining everything, treasuring all the moments we have together, I have left for you lots of wonderful legacy photographs, legacy video and blog journals to look back and remember. 

Even though I may not be for here to see and watch you grow, my hope is that I will always be in your memory and that what I’ve accomplished so far will help pave a path towards a better, brighter future and foundation for you.  Specifically, some of the goals that I have been working hard to achieve so far have been to secure a good home for you.  Your Father and I have looked long and hard to sell, relocate and buy a comfortable good home in an area with great schools so that each of you can grow up in.  We moved a few time so that we can provide to each of you the best education.  We’ve made lots of sacrifices to be able to provide the best for each of you and so I hope you each will value education as much as we do.   Remember to always excel in school as education will be the key to a your future.

I know that growing up will be hard and will be a bit of a struggle later on without me being here to help you along the way. But know that I will always be there for you in spirit and will be there every step to support and watch out for you.  Always believe in yourself and keep being strong in life.   I hope that seeing how precious life is and that experiencing my mortality at such young ages at some point will strengthen your soul and deepen your appreciation for life.

Besides wishing that each of you and your Father find your individual happiness and to value education as the key to your future, my other wish is that you each support one another other through all the good and bad experiences that life will take you. Please take time out to share, celebrate and rejoice in each moment with each other.  There will tough times ahead.  So love each other like I love each of you and be there for one another.

Love you always and forever more,

Your Mommy

Healing Prayer, Swimsuits, Wedding Video

Matthew 9:20-23

One of the pastors who come weekly to pray for us wrote this really good psalm for me to recite.  It's about the healing power and touch of Jesus and starts like this: "Dear God, I am reaching out my hand to you, knowing that if I can just touch the hem of your garment, you will make me whole.  I envision you before me.  I see the compassion in your eyes. I know that you love me. Fill me with your love, giving me your healing touch today."  I really like this reading and as I recite this, I hope the GOD from up above is hearing mine and all of our prayers for my recovery and continued good health. 

Wedding Video on YouTube

With a little help from my brother, I was able to start learning how to edit videos very quickly.  So here it is posted on YouTube at http://youtu.be/jP1vkkmMEn4. We got married at the beautiful Mountain Winery, in Saratoga.  It was truly a magical day, a day full of happiness and laughter. Watching my wedding video again just brings tears of joy. I am so grateful for all my family and friends who was there to celebrate it with us.

Swimsuits

To get everyone ready for our San Diego family vacation, I went out and got all the kids new summer swimsuits.  The girls already love wearing their swimsuits.  They are all so excited and looking forward to lots of fun in the sun.

 

Haircuts, Slideshow, Results for Chest X-Ray

Results look Good
Got the call back from the latest chest x-ray from my Dr and the results are negative, meaning everything looks good. Since taking the antibiotics, I'm starting to feel a little better, although I don't sound like it since my throat is still very soar and I sound terrible with this rough, coarse voice . I have 1 more day of it and can't wait until I start feeling really well and can be more active again. 
My Dr is ok with my request to stop the Zumeta and so we will discuss other treatment options for my bone and back pain.  Yay. So, let's keep up with more positive thoughts for continued good recovery. 

We all got Haircuts!

 Courtesy of my oldest sister who is a hair beautician, she called all of us over for our haircuts. So, since I was beginning to feel better yesterday, I brave the early evening short drive and put all three kids in the minivan and we all got haircuts!  The kids all sat down on their own and were very well behaved! I managed to even get my hair shampoo, cut, style and blow dry! That's truly amazing that it all went so well, all by myself! I never thought I would be able to do this without a nanny or my husband to come along to help.

Slideshow

It's been awhile since I did a picture slideshow, but with a little bit of free time, I managed to draft one together.  It's still a work in progress, but here's a draft of it for a sneak preview. Check it out at

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjSaxWi7Qq8.  I picked two great songs to fit the whole slideshow but YouTube didn't allow it so I had swap it out for their list of "free" songs. It still needs work and so I'll post a revised version later.  I'm thinking I'll probably add a few more pictures of me as a child and probably circle where I am in those old family pictures so you'll know which one is me. Enjoy! 

Over the next few weeks, I'll share a little bit more of some family videos too, like my wedding video! It's a little tricky since I don't have the video editing software to do it but will try. So stay tune.
My purpose of sharing little glimpses of me and my life is simply to share with everyone that I lived a truly beautiful, wonderful life.  Rather than storing it on a hard drive, I'd like it to celebrate it with everyone. Enjoy and check back for more videos I'll be sharing.

San Diego we Go! Family Vacation

Guess what? We have been recently been awarded an amazing WOW!gift by the Jack and Jill Foundation, http://www.jajf.org/ to a fabulous family vacation to San Diego, CA!  What an incredible grant this is. Since we got married, our honeymoon was the only vacation we have been on for the last six or seven years.  We have yet to go on any real family vacation, either due to being pregnant and or time from work to be able to plan one.

Excited and anxious, we are so graciously humbled and thankful for this foundation to offer this opportunity! We picked San Diego since our kids would love going to LegoLand, SeaWorld, San Diego Zoo and being by the nice, beautiful warm beach would be the perfect balance. Originally, we had planned on Disneyland but decided on San Diego due to Ethan's love of Legos and request to go there when he saw the SeaWorld commercial.  Check out the video of what Jack & Jill offered this family http://www.youtube.com/JAJForg#p/a/u/0/cegxc8nM0jA.
It is truly amazing what wonderful work this foundation does.

We are also fortunate that Jason, our Legacy volunteer photographer who has been taking monthly photos of us will also be joining us on our trip.  Him and his family nicely agreed to come along with us so that his son can enjoy the same places we're going to while also helping us capture picture perfect lifetime memories.  So, thank you Jason for agreeing to come on our family vacation to offer his talent and gift to us.

Bargaining, Praying
I woke up this morning and thought, hmm, what if it's not the Zumeta that is causing me to be so sick? Perhaps it's not the side effects of Zumeta? Perhaps, it's the cancer? What if my condition is getting worse? Thinking about this just makes me even more sad.  I just can't let me myself go there and have to keep up my prayers and positive energy.  My Dr has prescribed 5 days of antibiotics to help me get through this viral infection. I'm also scheduled for a chest X-ray tomorrow. So, let's pray it's nothing serious.

Ever since my diagnosis, there isn't a day that I haven't prayed and bargained for more and more time with my kids and family.  I'm fighting with every breath for more and more time. Life is so precious and every quality of life, every quality second I get to spend with my kids is the best gift I can have. 

I try my darnest to be strong and not let my feelings of despair overcome me even though lately, every day has been a big struggle. It's hard to tell that I'm in pain since I try my best to not let any negative thoughts overtake me.  As each day begins, my goal has always been the same, to continuelly be strong and to make every day as joyful as it can be for the kids.
And as each day ends, as we put the kids to bed, the kids and I say our nightly prayers. Every night, as I put Ethan to bed, he always says several prayers to GOD for me to get better. It's so sweet and heartbreaking. I'll be sure to record it so I can share how adorable and cute he is. If I don't get to it, this is his prayers every single night. "God, please help my Mommy get better. God, please, please get my Mommy get well again. Please make the cancer go away. Thank you God. Amen." With that, I need to get better soon.  Let's hope for the very best.

Stopping Zumeta Chemo, Fish Tank, More House Hunting

No Go on Zumeta Anymore
For about a week now, I've been feeling raggedly fatigued, weak, super achy and have been in lots of pain with my hips and back bones. On top of that, I've lost my voice, taste buds, have this terrible sore, burning feeling in my throat, as well as a cough and cold. It's thrown me for a complete loop and emotionally made me spaced out, feeling almost a little depressed.  Even now as I am writing this, I'm still not recovered and still feeling all of these awful side effects.  Definitely, Zumeta is not for me. Its drowning and slowly poisoning my insides thoroughly.
I did some research on Zumeta and didn't know about any of these horrible side effects until after receiving it.  So, I've decided that I have to stop the Zumeta chemo treatment.  So far I've only had one session of Zumeta, but the pain and side effects are just not worth it.  I'm adamant about this and will refuse anymore of this terrible chemo. There's has to be better treatment options. I'll definitely call and let me Dr know tomorrow for sure. My Dr mentioned possibly exploring more radiation so I'm open to that.
Sold Fish Tank

After ten years of owning and maintaining his salt water reef fish tank, my husband sadly sold off his beautiful 180 gallon salt water fish tank this week. After moving it 2 times this year, he finally decided to sell it for almost nothing due to not having any time to upkeep it.  It needed to be in a good home and so instead of piece mealing and selling parts of it, we decided it would be best to sell it all together as a complete set so that the new owner has all proper equipment and gadgets to "save" all the wonderful, beautiful corals, fishes and livestock.  Our kids already miss seeing the tank.  Here is the YouTube video of it if you would like to see what it looked like http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAvK55wg6p4&feature=youtube_gdata_player
More House Hunting
It's surprising to us that the house buying market is still super HOT as ever!  For several months now, we've been aggressively looking to purchase a single family home in the similar Evergreen Schools area of San Jose. We found a few homes we like and acted quickly with offers the next day or so after seeing the homes. With lots of hope and promise, we eagerly await the sellers' acceptance as we made offer after offer and so far we don't have any luck.  We've already made 3 separate offers to homes we felt were "perfect" for us and the kids and on all three offers, we were outbid! It's so crazy out there.
We were so close to almost closing another 4th gorgeous home we made an offer on, and at the last minute, everything fell apart. Sellers and us, appraisels, inspections, banks, everything just fell through. Buying a home is so difficult nowadays. It's stressful.
Well, our road to house hunting has started to go a little smoother now.  While out running errands, I happen to bump into a good old high school and college friend, Tung Nguyen, who I have not seen in twelve years. And may it be destiny or luck that we ran into him, it turns out Tung happens to successfully own his own real estate brokerage firm called Six Sigma Realty, http://sixsigmarealty.com/ right here in San Jose. With my three kids in toe and running around, Tung warmly reached out to me in one of the shopping aisle. We caught up a little and he expressed his regards and wishes on my unfair cancer condition. Through Facebook connections, he had learned of my story and had been following my blog and knew we were in search of a home. 
So, he warmly offered his services to us and out of kindness, he will donate all commissions he would have earned to us as a way to help us and our family out. Wow. What a blessing! And what an amazing friend he is. I am so happy and thankful that we have met so many good hearted, loving people like Tung during this difficult time.  Thank you Tung.  Thank you for your big heart and support.
We look forward to working with Tung and so far, his expertise, professionalism, responsiveness, updated, quick, modern signature service has far exceeded our past services we received from our previous agent. 
I hope we find a home before this 2011 year ends. It's one of my top priorities and goal to get done as I mainly would like for my kids to be settled in home we can call our own, literally and legally.

Specifically, my ultimate goal is to lay down the home foundation forefront, to plant the "roots" for the kids so that they can grow up in a good home with good neighbors, excellant public education and in the Evergreen area so that they can be close to my family. With a bit more luck and hope and a good agent, perhaps we will find the perfect home soon!

Got the Miserable Flu Bug!

Cough & Cold
For about a week now, I have been feeling miserably sick with the common cold & cough, which the kids probably passed onto me. On top of that, for the past 2 weeks, I have had 2 weekly back to back chemo.  One was the Zumeta chemo which is given every 6 weeks to help relieve bone pain and bone destruction, which I recieved 2 weeks ago. The other chemo was the typical chemo I regularly get once a month, which I just had last Wednesday. The combination of these two sessions on top of catching the viral cold just totally wiped me out.  It doesn't help that all 3 of my kids were also awfully sick with the same cold and cough.  They are getting much better now, but the duration of this week has been awfully exhausting since Ethan stayed home this whole week, missing out on all his academic lessons. Luckily my husband works late in the day, at 1PM, so he has been a super Dad and super nanny for half of the day. He is so truly wonderful. I am so blessed that he's my husband and so handy with everything. He's been so great with the kids and have been so inspirationally strong for all of us.

The one good thing was that my old nanny was a huge help even though she is just here for 4 hours a day. The minute she comes, I am free to rest and do some errands, like finally finishing up with Ethan's kindergarten enrollment!  He is all set for kindergarten, which starts Aug 12. 
I really like my nanny, she is super caring and loving with the kids and is very quick with all the household tasks! I don't have to lift a finger and she just takes over, from laundry, folding clothes, cooking dinner, mopping, doing dishes, to feeding, bathing kids, playing with them and cleaning up the house. The kids also automatically love her too since they sort of remember her from 5 months ago.

Swim Lessons Cancelled
So this Wednesday was the kids first day of swim lessons at the nearby YMCA. Since the kids were sick and I was sick, I was very hesitant about taking them at all and almost not showed up. But the first day is so important that I really didn't want to miss it and get us written off as drop outs that I decided that to atleast show up to class and tell them we wanted to miss that day's lesson. It turns out, they had overbooked the number of kids per private instructor and so, they had to cancel our registration. There weren't enough instructors available and we so we offered a full refund. 
I probably could have picked some other lessons but they had nothing that fit the kids schedule, now that both older kids will be in preschool this month.

Chemo is wearing me
By now, I've have had 4 chemos and now have 2 sessions more to go. My Dr. says after the six one, he will do "maintenance" chemo.  This fourth session has been a lot harder to bare through. It's making feel so much more weaker and by back pain has been greater too.  I can see why some people can loose there sense of strength since it just breaks down your body, spirit, your immune system and makes you so awfully weak and frail.
This week, I took every opportunity I can to rest when I get help with the kids. The rest helped me rejuvenate and definitely help me slowly overcome this terrible viral cold bug.  This chemo session definitely has robbed me of any sense of taste as well as everything taste bland and cardboard.
Thank you goodness that I have my husband, my kids, my family, and friends support and love that keeps me uplifted and strong. For what would anyone do without a good network of love and support? As chemo keeps breaking me down physically, I can easily see how others who have late stage cancer can easily develop deep depression, loneliness, emptiness, loss and hope.
Thank you for all those who have written in and offered your support as well.  Please continue to keep up your prayers for us and hope I quickly shake off this cold & cough. Let's keep praying for a full recovery and remission.