My Three Beautiful kids

Since my prognosis, I've been spending every minute with my kids and loving it. The laughter and happiness as I see them play, sleep, bathe, eat and talk to one another brings so much joy.  By the end of the day when they are all tired, when I tuck them to bed, and hear them say, "I love you Mommy. I love you very much", I just can't help but pray, hope, and wish for more days like this. 

Its also so sad to hear my 2 older kids tell me when they hear me cough, "Mommy, go see the Doctor, and get better, Ok, Mommy?"  Or have them gently pat my back and say, "Mommy's sick, Mommy go rest, and get well, ok?" Hearing these words everyday, it is just unreal that I have this terminal illness and can't accept that my kids may gow up without me.

Tears swell my eyes and my heart hurts when I think that this may be the last year that I have left to spend with them since my Doctor says that I may only have  ONE year left. It's hard to accept this and I can't accept it! No words can't explain the pain, hurt and suffering having to live with this. My kids have to yet to understand any of this. To them, they are estactic to have mommy be home. How can any mom ever have to explain this to them? What would anyone do with this devasting news? What would you do if you are told that may only have only months left to live?

In the beginning I was so angry and hurt and wondered so many questions like, "How can this be when all my life, I've been a really good, loving, caring person and have only worked hard for all the things I've earned, like good grades, graduated college with honors, ate healthy, never smoked, never did drugs and excercised? And why did the doctors just recently discovered that I have lung cancer and that it's at such an agressive, late stage that it's terminal?
Life is so unfair! Its heartbreaking and sad that my prognosis is so grim.  My doctor today says he doesn't know what caused my cancer. All the genetic targeted testing so far shows that I don't have many of the genetic mutations, like EGFR or ALK; so miracle drugs that expand one's life expectancy, like Tarceva wouldn't work be effective. He's ruled out bad genes and that's its not genetic.He doesn't think its environmental either since I am not a smoker, don't hang around second smoke, and doesn't live in an area where its known to have high levels of radon. There's just no rhyme or reason and no simple answers to what caused my cancer.

I hope with prayers, support and prayers from everyone, including the community as well as family and friends, that we can achieve remission and stop the spread of my cancer. Please pray for us, pray for my health and recovery.Pray for a miracle!

Many thanks for all your support and prayers.

Hugs,
Fawn