Looking Forward

Yesterday I had my second session of Gemzar chemo. Although having a bit of more traffic than usual due to the morning rush hour and accidents, I got there just in time for labs, Dr and chemo infusion. I got poked three times and finally the nurse found a vein for the infusion. Gemzar unlike the other chemos, burns when it flows in. Addding warm heat helps alot or else I wouldn't have endured it. I must admit that without anyone coming with me, it feels awfully lonely and makes me alot more emotionally sad. As I saw my Onc, and as I tell him of my new kinds of pains and the rattling in my right lung, the shortness of breathe, the aches in my back and hip and the tingling numbness on my soles of my feet, I couldn't help but pour out my emotional loss and scared of the idea of me getting worse. We both shed some more tears as we again hope chemo works. He then informs me that the results of my DNA genetic testing shows sadly that there's not a single match on any of the known genetic mutations that caused my lung cancer. 
Bad luck or to bad environmental factors. Those are the players that I think most likely caused me to have this. At times, and almost every night, I think back and remember all those times that I was sick and those were all symptoms I had but just didn't know this would be the result of all those colds, coughs and sweats. Sometimes I even feel guilty that I didn't go Dr enough or didn't push my those little sickness and fatigueness enough. As a mother, I always put myself last and when I did get sick, I just thought it was just some little a bug I caught from my kids as they were in daycare or preschool. If only, I can turn back the clock and go back in time, things would be different. But, going back in time, that's impossible and I can't look backward. It's hard though not to think, "If this, If that" in hindsight..But I have to remind myself to keep on looking forward and be thankful for each new day.

Lately as the kids go to bed, as way to keep myself updated and knowledgeable about the latest research, I try to learn and read everything I can about lung cancer. I follow other people's blogs, I read and research through http://clinicaltrials.gov/, http://www.cancer.gov/clinicaltrials/search and much more. I read about Proton Therapy's latest advancement in treating lung cancer and even tried to enroll myself there by making calls and sending in my medical records to see of MD Anderson Cancer Center and other such centers (Loma Linda, etc) to see if Doctors there can help cure or shrink the tumors in my lungs. But, to no avail, I'm quickly denied since my cancer has metastasized and being told that chemo is the only option. I've read about the http://www.burzynskiclinic.com/, and many other methods too. But so far, the only thing that can help me would be God's miracle, prayers, faith and keeping good hope. It's all in God's hands. Let's keep up our prayers. Lots of Love.

Hanging onto Acupuncture

After trying to cancel out of acunpunture, my acupuncture Dr convinced to keep trying it. She says it works and that I have to give it a chance for my life and kid's sake. Even though I don't like getting poked at nor do I like the awful taste of herbal medicines, she persuaded to stick to so that I can get better. So, I'm sticking it out (no pun intended) and giving it another try for now. As for the cost of the herbals, it's taking me alot longer to finish what I bought so it'll last another week.  As a way to help convince me to come back, she says she won't charge me for future herbals if I keep my routine acupuncture. I'll try to keep it up but it I really don't like it the needles poking me. But I'm hopeful it helps is mostly the reason why I'm willing to keep it up.

This week is my week off from chemo. A brief one week chemo break so that I can boost up my immune system. Other than feeling a little weak and having a little bit of a cough, I'm doing well. I'll start chemo again next Wed.  Lots of Love.

Nov is Lung Cancer Awareness Month

Nov is Lung Cancer Awareness month.  To bring more awareness about this disease, Stanford Cancer Center created this Lung Cancer video. Check it out at http://scopeblog.stanford.edu/2011/11/lung-cancer-can-affect-anyone-but-not-everyone-is-listening/

Some facts

• 2/3 of those who get lung cancer don’t currently smoke
• 1 out of 3 people die of lung cancer
• Lung cancer is the No. 1 cancers of all the cancers out there, kills more than 160,000 people annually
• Approx 219,000 people are diagnosed with lung cancer in the U.S. each year - over 103,000 women and nearly 116,000 men.
• Roughly 84% people diagnosed with lung cancer die within 5 years of their diagnosis
• More info can be found at http://www.lungcanceralliance.org/

Unsure of Acupuncture
This week has flown by. Being busy with the kids and their activities as well as my own appointments makes the days speed by. I had my second round of Gemzar chemo this past Wed and this time, I decided not to take any of the premeds. Usually, with most chemo regiment, the nurses give you 2 pills of Decadron (steroids) and 2 pills of Zofran (anti-nausea) and since I dislike being hungry all the time, zapped with lots of energy, sleeping late and being constipated for 2 days, I decided to skip it. Personally, I just don't like meds and if I can handle things without it and fight through it naturally, I rather not take it.  The less side effects the better. I guess I'm more of a "less is more" person. Simple is perfect.  Although I was a bit tired after chemo, probably due to low blood counts, getting up super early like 6AM, not eating and then heading back home to care for the kids for a few hours, I did alright. My day nanny only comes to help for half of the day since it's what we can budget for.
This week I also did 2 sessions of acupuncture.  I found an acunpunture place nearby and it had raving reviews from many patients that it helped them rid of pain, regain balance and energy or chi. Also, I had applied for assistance from http://sysfund.org/, a unique non profit that helps provide funding for personal pursuits and hobbies, as well as integrative therapies such as acupuncture, reflexology,
reiki, and therapeutic massage. In anticipation that I may get copay assistance, I was looking forward to getting a session in. But, soon found out that due to lack of funding, they can't help. But, since it had such raving reviews  I wanted to try it anyways. For my health right? Anything to prevent pain and help heal me from this disease.
Now that I've 2 sessions of it, it's hard to tell if it worked or helped me in anyway. I'm still skeptical and ambivalent about the healing effects of it. She's scheduled me for more routine twice weekly sessions and also prescribed Chinese Herbal. Perhaps being almost "allured" due being so hopeful, part due to desperateness, I fell into the therapist "pitch" and paid almost $100 for the herbals which I'm supposed to take twice a day for a week.  Aurgh. I think I fell under her spell for that one brief, weak but hopeful moment. I mean, what's $100 if this herbal medicine is suppose to help heal and strengthen my immune system and help sort of extend my life?
Anyways, now I'm out out of pocket so much now and to think about it, I'm coming to the realization that all of this is sort of big business of giving false hopes. I'm going cancel all my appointments and quit the acupuncture. Besides, I don't like being poked with needles. I get enough bloods draws and needle pokes every week enough already. Lesson learned. With our income limited, I have to be very careful to not overspend. I gotta make every dollar stretch and need to keep a good watch on our spending budget so that we can upkeep our current financial obligations, like childcare, preschool, mortgage, copays, insurance, basic living costs and on and on. How great it would be if we were in that 1% bracket where money is never a constant worry? Well, that's definitely not us and we gotta live like every other average working family. Savings seems so hard nowadays...Lots of Love.

Keeping Busy, Halloween Fun, Donuts

The kids had a great Halloween. We started Trick or Treating around our neighborhood early before it got too dark.  They had a blast. It was just so sweet to see the kids get all dressed up and have so much fun.  Afterwards the kids helped give out candy. They really enjoyed it as they were able to see all the great costumes.

This past weekend we had a fantastic time riding the train at Roaring Camp. The kids loved the beauty of the redwood trees as we rode through the mountains on the train. Special thanks to Donna for donating 3 tickets and to Kim for the idea and coordination. We had lots of fun as a family. The Roaring Camp's site was so beautiful and the weather was perfect. Here are some pictures from the trip.

The kids also had fun feeding the ducks.

 

 Donuts, Play date

This past weekend the kids also had a fun playdate with our legacy photographer, Jason and his son They came by for a visit and brought us yummy, Krispy Kream donuts. What a treat! The kids loved playing with Joey.

Acupuncture

Tomorrow is another chemo day. I'll have to get up early and be there by 7AM so that I can get back in time to pick Ellen from her preschool and then head to my acupuncture appointment. I'm looking forward to trying the natural, holistic form of Chinese medicine. This is just a more in depth consultation but hopefully I'll get a session of acupuncture in soon. Acupuncture is the practice of inserting thin needles into specific body points to improve health and well-being. It originated in China more than 2,000 years ago. Research shows that acupuncture helps relieve pain and reduces nausea after chemotherapy.

Kids Activities

So today was my Nanny's first day coming back to help us with the kids. It was so incredibly nice to have her help. The kids still remember her and easily allowed her to help them. Without her help, it would be hard to keep up with all the kids activities. With preschool, swim classes, Sylvan Learning, Kumon, Piano lessons, kindergarten pickups (all Ethan's activities mostly), Library reading, singing and music time on Tuesdays and Thurs for the girls, it keeps me super busy and that's just the kids activities. I'm so glad and thankful we have our nanny back to help us.

Worries

Spending time with my kids is such a joy. Life is beautiful. But being a lung cancer patient, enjoying the moment and being in the beauty of the moment is all so precious as well as all too painful. Sad but simultaneously happy as there's never a moment that I don't realize that all this I may miss and won't be here for in the later future. Being terminal ill with the cancer, I'm in constant worry for my kid's future and terrified of leaving my kids without their mother. Sad. Happy. Living in the moment. A race against time. These are the things that run through my head and heart. Raising up my kids to instill in them to have the toughest skin, courage, confidence and solid foundation are my goals for my kids.  To keep myself updated with the latest news, I make every effort, every night to read the latest research and pray, and hope for the best so that I can be here for them as long as I can. Lots of Love.